


He Preferred the Isolation

by DavineNaughter



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Dan Howell - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Phil Lester - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Fluff, High School AU, Homophobia, Homophobic Slurs, M/M, Panic Attack, Physical harassment/injuries, Unknown Number
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-04-24 17:09:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4928059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DavineNaughter/pseuds/DavineNaughter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High School AU. Phil is in high school, and is constantly picked on. He doesn't really have any friends. He has a secret space he likes to steal away to. One day someone finds his lost notebook and texts him with the number inside. They get to talking, and kinda become friends. But that can't help Phil with all the drama that's to ensue in his peaceful albeit sad high school existence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mr. I'm Not Interesting

**Author's Note:**

> Hey people! So I LOVE high school AUs, and I also love wrong/Unknown number fics. But that isn't all there is to this story. It gets pretty damn dramatic, I'll tell you that. Well, it will. I haven't written beyond the first chapter yet. But, betad by "kenzie130" on Wattpad, it seems to be a good start(ps go check her out her writing's great). So I figured what the heck. So I have no idea how long it'll be between updates. School and crap. I write at school, but then have to find time to type it up. Sooo... Tell me what you think! Enough so's! On with the story!

The bell rang and Phil let out a sigh, slowly packing up his things. It was the end of the day, and he liked it that way. School just wasn't a place he enjoyed being; the work was hard, the teachers were boring and/or obnoxious, and the other students were assholes. Sure, there were some nice kids, but they mostly kept to themselves.

Of course, there were always exceptions, like Louise. Louise was loud, and cackled so much the entire student body could recognize her by her laugh alone. Her hair was dyed bright pink, and she was one of the most popular kids in school. But one time Phil had gotten partnered with her on a science project, and she was sweet and funny and nice. Dan Howell didn't even scowl at her when she asked to borrow a pencil. Now /that/ was an accomplishment.

Dan Howell was always alone. He had no friends, and no one ever talked to him. But that was because he liked it to be that way. His glare got even the toughest bullies in school to leave him be.

Those bullies were also the most popular and influential people in school, as school goes. There were Alfie and Zoe, who were the school's power couple, well known for doing awful things that made everyone worship them. There were the physically intimidating head jocks, Caspar and Marcus. There were the trouble making and conniving Harries twins. There was Zoe's younger brother Joe, head jock and most popular kid in the class below theirs. But there were also Louise and another couple, Jim and Tanya, who were in the popular group and quite pleasant. They didn't pick on kids like Phil.

There was a handful of this type of kid. The four most picked on students in school were Carrie, Phil, Chris, and PJ. Carrie wasn't exactly picked on so much as just...well...not popular. For some reason, the popular kids resented her. It didn't really make sense, seeing as she was fun and pretty and bubbly and a great singer, but no one dared question the will of the bullies. Phil was definitely picked on loads. Actually, "picked on" was an understatement. He liked bands, dyed his hair black, was always spaced out, and was chronically socially awkward. The last one had the most to do with it. Then there were Chris and PJ, the only openly gay couple in the school. They definitely got the most crap, and Phil couldn't help but be glad. He wasn't a sadist, but them being picked on spared him some. And besides, they had each other. Phil had no one.

So he waited until everyone else filtered out of the classroom, until it was only him and Zoe and Alfie, who were making out lazily in the corner, blocking the door. Even the teacher had left.

Phil took a shaky inhale and gathered his things as quickly as possible. He moved silently towards the door, his heart rate skyrocketing as he approached the two. Alfie was one of the most confrontational students in school, along with Caspar and Marcus- especially when people interrupted him and Zoe. So Phil cautiously studied the best route out of the room. He had been lucky so far, and they didn't appear to have noticed him yet.

He found a path around them, took a deep breath, and bolted. Being himself, of course, his foot caught on a chair leg. Phil had always resented the kids who couldn't be bothered to push in their chairs, but at that moment he had never hated anything with a stronger passion.

Just to Phil's luck, he tripped and fell forwards, colliding clumsily with Zoe. His hand aimlessly grabbed at whatever it could find to prevent him from falling and help him hoist himself up to get the hell out of there.

It was made abundantly clear that was not a smart move when he received a sharp smack on the head by Zoe as Alfie shouted, "Hey! That's my girlfriend you're groping mate!" as if he didn't already know. Everyone in school knew they were dating, and even if by some miracle Phil hadn't, it probably would've been clear with them making out and all.

Phil shot down the hall in his signature condensation of a flailing run that helped him improve his speed. Phil wasn't strong or coordinated, but he was fast. Years of constantly running away would do that to a person. He didn't have time to check to see if he got all of his things, but he also didn't have the time to care, so it all worked out rather well for him.

He didn't stop until he had made it to the staircase. Phil always went to these stairs to avoid other humans: something he did probably more than was healthy. In the three story building, there was only one staircase that no one used. It used to go from the first floor to the top, but when the school had decided to add a room by the entrance, the first floor exit was blocked off. The school never closed off the entire stairwell, only the door out of it, so there was just an empty space left. Since its use had been hindered, no one ever went there. So, naturally, Phil went there all the time.

Every day at lunch Phil came down to the isolated room on the first floor and sat on the deep window sill. The window faced a courtyard in the back of the school. Some people ate there, but the outdoor tables were behind a row of trees. They couldn't see Phil and Phil couldn't see them; that was just how he liked it.

That was the only place Phil had eaten lunch since he discovered the oasis. He didn't have to, per say, but it worked out better. He probably could've sat with Chris and PJ, but they would occasionally just snog during lunch, which made Phil very uncomfortable. Even when they weren't snogging, Phil was too awkward to actually carry any sort of conversation, making the other boys uncomfortable. Carrie sat with two guys, Jack and Dean, who somehow got by being friendly with the popular kids and the losers. Phil probably could've sat with them -in fact he had on several occasions- but they were constantly chatting and laughing and Phil wasn't very good at conversation. If he was being honest, he preferred the isolation. The large crowds and loud people stressed him out, and there were never any empty tables in the cafeteria.

Before he found the staircase, he hid in the corner of the courtyard everyday. People in the movies always ate in the toilet stalls, but that was just unhygienic and disgusting. So Phil was left with the option of sitting in the grassy corner as far away from the tables as he could get, trying his hardest to blend in with the bricks. His maroon shirt had quickly become his favorite.

So after that mess with Zoe and Alfie, Phil retreated to the stairwell. He had missed the bus home, so now he had to wait for his mum to get off work to drive him. Phil's house was too far way from the school to walk to, and the only other means of getting home was the bus for the sports teams. Phil had never told his mum that that was an option. He couldn't handle that, especially not today.

He plunked down on his sill and opened his book bag. Phil figured he might as well get some homework done, so he reluctantly pulled out his maths binder, noticing with annoyance that he had lost his notebook in his haste earlier. A few minutes later, he realised he had forgotten to actually phone his mum, so he grabbed his mobile, eager for the distraction from the equations.

Phil's mum sighed as he said he missed the bus again. She told him fine, but was clearly not happy about it. Phil didn't like the bus, he often got bullied on it and he couldn't run away. So a couple of times a week he "missed" the bus on purpose.

As he scrunched his face up at the prospect of returning to his maths work, something unexpected happened: his phone vibrated in his hand. Phil only had six contacts in his phone; he could recite the entirety of people who chose to establish contact him off the top of his head. Mum, brother, dad, Carrie(who had asked for his phone number at a particularly rough time, when she really had no friends, and Phil didn't have to heart to say no to), Jack, and Dean. He assumed it was one of the last options, because they had only badgered Phil for his number to mooch off his schoolwork (mostly from lack of better options). Jack and Dean nearly never did their own work, and often just copied Phil's. To be honest, Phil couldn't have cared less.

But as he examined the screen closer, he didn't recognize the number.

From: Unknown Number, 4:47pm.  
Hi

Phil wasn't quite sure how to react. Probably just a wrong number, he reasoned.

To: Unknown Number, 4:48pm  
Who is this?

Conversation had never been one of Phil's strengths. Even over text, while most people were concerned about saying the wrong thing, Phil was plagued by simply not knowing what to say, let alone how to make it polite or carry out a good conversation.

From: Unknown Number, 4:50pm  
I found your notebook, and it said to contact this number if found

Pull didn't know how to feel about this stranger. It could be Alfie or Zoe playing a prank. They were the only ones still in the classroom when he left, after all. Phil cursed his mother for making him write his personal contact information on his things. All he knew for certain was that this was another student. Alfie could have his phone number.

To: Unknown Number, 4:51pm  
But who are you?

From: Unknown Number, 4:51pm  
I could ask the same of you

To: Unknown Number, 4:52pm  
But you texted me

From: Unknown Number, 4:52pm  
And you answered

Phil was left not knowing how to respond. He decided that he didn't care enough to. The notebook was easily replaceable, he had only gotten a new one a few weeks ago, so there were barely any notes in it. And either way, Phil never really needed his notes, he just remembered the things he was taught. So Phil went back to his maths homework, trying and failing to forget the stranger.

From: Unknown Numbed, 5:03pm  
Hello?

To: Unknown Number, 5:03pm  
Hello. Why are you still texting me?

It wasn't that Phil minded the messages. Quite the contrary, as anything was better than the work he was doing.

From: Unknown Number, 5:06pm  
Why are you responding?

To: Unknown Number, 5:07pm  
Because this is better than my maths work. Your turn.

From: Unknown Number, 5:08pm  
Fine. Curiosity, I guess? I'm not really sure

To: Unknown Number, 5:08pm  
Really? You're curious? I'm really not that interesting

From: Unknown Number, 5:09pm  
Why not?

This gave Phil pause. What did that even mean? Why wasn't he interesting? Because there just wasn't anything about him that made him worth getting to know. But Phil wasn't about to tell a stranger that. He still didn't know this wasn't Alfie, for god's sake.

To: Unknown Number, 5:13pm  
Who are you?

From: Unknown Number, 5:13pm  
Avoiding the question much?

To: Unknown Number, 5:14pm  
They ask, avoiding the question

From: Unknown Number, 5:14pm  
Oh, looks like I found a sassy one

To: Unknown Number, 5:15pm  
At least tell me you aren't Alfie or Zoe

From: Unknown Number, 5:16pm  
Why the fuck would this be Alfie or Zoe? Don't insult me

That made Phil smile. He honestly doubted that, even for a prank, Alfie wouldn't have just said "I'm not." He /definitely/ wouldn't have called that an insult. He most definitely didn't think things through that well, especially not in the less than a minute it took for the reply to come. Phil was a more than a bit relieved.

To: Unknown Number, 5:17pm  
Sorry. They were the only ones in the classroom when I lost my notebook

From: Unknown Number, 5:17pm  
I forgot something at my desk and went back to get it

To: Unknown Number, 5:18pm  
It's pathetic how relieved it makes me that you aren't Alfie

From: Unknown Number, 5:19pm  
Probably. But he is pretty horrid. Glad you turned out to be one of the few who didn't worship the ground he walks on

To: Unknown Number, 5:20pm  
Why? I mean, yeah, he's awful, but why does it matter what I'm like?

From: Unknown Number, 5:24pm  
Well, you seem cool to talk to

Phil actually snorted.

To: Unknown Number, 5:24pm  
Yeah right

From: Unknown Number, 5:24pm  
Yup, I am right

To: Unknown Number, 5:25pm  
Yet you don't seem to understand sarcasm

From: Unknown Number, 5:25pm  
Yet you didn't disagree

To: Unknown Number, 5:27pm  
I already told you, I'm not interesting. And I didn't feel the need to disagree with you disagreeing with me. I hate redundancy

From: Unknown Number, 5:28pm  
Woah there, looks like we got a debate club member

To: Unknown Number, 5:29pm  
Nope, I'm not that interesting

From: Unknown Number, 5:30pm  
I'm refusing to believe you until you prove me wrong

Phil was a bit taken aback. This was a bit overwhelming. No one had wanted to get to know him in years. And now some stranger who didn't even know who he was claimed he did. It was a lot to process. Phil didn't even register that his phone was ringing until he looked down at it. This time it read "Mum."

"Hi mum."

"I'm outside."

And she hung up. Phil sighed. His mother was a very to the point woman. She said only what needed to be said. So he shoved his binder and pencil back into his bag. He hesitated to put his phone away.

To: Unknown Number, 5:36pm  
Does that mean you want to keep texting?

From: Unknown Number, 5:36pm  
Yes, I think it does

Phil found he was smiling despite himself.

To: Unknown Number, 5:37pm  
Okay, but I have to go now

From: Unknown Number, 5:38pm  
Okay, goodbye Mr. I'm Not Interesting

To: Unknown Number, 5:39pm  
A fitting title, because I'm really not. But how do you know I'm a Mr?

From: Unknown Number, 5:40pm  
Oh, sorry, I shouldn't have assumed. But are you?

To: Unknown Number, 5:40pm  
Yes. Are you?

From: Unknown Number, 5:40pm  
Yes

To: Unknown Number, 5:40  
Then goodbye, Mr. Refuses To Tell Me His Name

From: Mum, 5:40  
Philip, I'm waiting

Phil sighed and replied with a quick, "coming mum."

From: Unknown Number, 5:43pm  
I'll text you later


	2. Only Fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hi people! So I made another chapter! Huzzah! Honestly I'm really happy with where this story is good. Don't worry, it gets a lot more dramatic and plot filled, chapter one was mostly setting stuff. And there's a bit more in chapter 2, but there's also plot advancing stuff. Yeah. I have no clue how long this will be. Anywho...Enjoy!

The mysterious person in the phone left Phil in peace for the rest of the night. By morning, he felt a pang of an unfamiliar emotion. He couldn't be bothered to identify it. All he did know, as he found himself rereading the conversation and smiling, is that something felt unique about the nameless stranger. He liked the feeling of someone giving him a chance, Phil decided; or at least he thought so. It wasn't like he had much experience in this area.

But Phil didn't let this take up too much of his time. He went about his business like usual: absentmindedly doing his school work, showering, losing himself on Tumblr. Phil's favorite pastime was losing himself. 

His head wasn't his favorite place to lose himself-not by far. He preferred Tumblr or YouTube or romance or adventure novels. He preferred doodling about lions in space or writing silly stories about cats falling in love. But sometimes his head was all that was available to Phil. Like in class, when the teacher chastised him for doodling, or at the breakfast table, where his parents wouldn't allow his phone or laptop or notebook. Not even a pencil to sketch on his paper napkin.

Phil had an interesting relationship with his parents, but one he doubted was close to unique. They were sort of strict, but Phil felt no need to rebel. They didn't mind him whiling away the hours on his laptop, so long as he got his chores done. They didn't mind if he did all his homework all the time, so long as he got decent marks. Phil's parents used to pester him about making friends, but they gave up when Phil entered his final year of secondary school. Though every once in a blue moon they did mention getting a girlfriend.

His family had also given up on getting him to stop daydreaming, practically ignoring his presence at the breakfast table. If his mum didn't still set his place, Phil wouldn't be sure they knew he was there.

Breakfast was generally an uneventful time for Phil. However this morning he was shocked to discover that he didn't want to shove his phone in his bag and space out. What if the unknown number texted him? He said that he would. But he hadn't so far. But it had only been a single evening. He could've been busy. Phil probably wasn't worth his time. No one had proved otherwise in years, so why would a random stranger be different?

Phil was boring. Phil was awkward. Phil was rude. Not because he was mean, simply because he couldn't figure out how to be polite. Phil got stressed out by crowds, but he didn't have any diagnosable anxiety to blame it on. Phil preferred doodling over talking. Even with nice enough people. Even though he couldn't draw. Phil read romance novels, but couldn't bring himself to give people a chance. Whether that was Phil's fault or there just weren't any people for him, he couldn't figure it out. Not that Phil was good enough for anyone to give /him/ a chance. How'd that song go? "Falling in love with love is falling for make believe." Phil liked musicals. So what?

Phil didn't like people. They didn't like him, and they had never given him a reason to. If they couldn't give him a chance, he figured they didn't deserve one. It was only fair.

So he found it pretty annoying that he wanted to keep his phone close. Until now, Phil had preferred complete isolation, he had worked so hard to be perfectly fine on his own. It was a scary concept that all it took was a single conversation with a complete stranger to jeopardize that. It was concerning that he might want to interact with someone despite the thought of holding a conversation making his stomach churn.

After a breakfast with his mobile shoved in his pocket, Phil's least favorite time of day came: the bus ride to school.

For some reason all the cool kids occupied the back of the vehicle, and the sweet goody-two-shoes by he front. Since so many more non-extraordinary people strived for coolness, the emptiest cluster of seats was about a third of the way back. So, naturally, Phil sat there every time he was forced into the metal tube.

Phil sat in the window seat of the bench. His backpack went next to him, blocking him off from all of the other students. The bus annoyed him, as there were too many vibrations to use his notebook, so it meant he really couldn't all morning. He was forced into his head far too frequently for his liking.

Phil had long ago memorized the route the bus took from his house to the school and back. He knew every tree, every house, and every street sign. There was one house in particular that had always caught Phil's eye; it was the same blue as the sky, but a muted shade so as not to pierce his eyes with brightness. The house was on the smaller side of average sized and looked so much cozier than Phil's own. From an angle down the street that had taken Phil years to notice, he could see a rusty old swing set. The yard behind the house was very large; it extended back much farther than Phil's with a deck hugging the house and woods finally cutting it off what seemed like miles back. The old swing set was sat right up against the trees. It's the type of house that Phil had always wanted, the type he imagined would have a home built tree house. 

He lived in a neighborhood a bit closer to the city, but still suburban. Phil had a relatively large house that was a murky grey -just large enough for any homeyness to be stretched so thin it burst. The colour was calming, he supposed, but it reminded him of a storm. Their yard was small and poorly maintained, surrounded by a metal fence that blocked off the houses on either side and behind it.

Phil had memorized every detail of the sky coloured house, but he didn't know who lived there. He stared at the building and the yard and the swing set till his eyes hurt, but had just never cared enough to notice which student walked out towards the bus every morning. Maybe it was because Phil hated being jealous.

When Phil's phone went off in his pocket, he jumped, snapped out of his thoughts, and grabbed for it before he even knew what he was doing. It happened before he had time to be embarrassed at his reaction. He couldn't help it; he was excited. The prospect of talking to the stranger, the one who gave Phil the slightest chance, made Phil happy.

From: Dean, 6:47am  
Did you get the answers to the maths?

Phil felt himself deflate. He shoved his mobile in his bag, not bothering to answer him. That reaction had been unacceptable, by Phil's standards.

"Whoa, who are you so excited for their text?" Caspar sneered and smirked at the poor helpless boy who was trying to sink further into the corner of the seat. Phil was mad at his reaction before, but to know that it was that noticeable to others? He could barely stand it.

"Probably just his mum!" Alfie called from the back of the bus that Phil was lucky enough to share with both of them. Granted, they weren't the best at witty remarks, but Phil knew from experience that their fists quite made up for it.

"Nah, no one gets /that/ excited for their mum, not even this Lester shit. Oh, we know what that means! Someone sunk down to dating this fag!" Casper burst out laughing as he said it, and everyone else made the noise that students made when someone in a class was called to the principle's office.

"I'll be right there," he called to his friends, shoving his way into the seat with Phil, who was practically shaking. He felt his backpack harshly shoved him to him and snatched it onto his lap before Caspar could get at it. Only the heads of the social pyramid could sit with Phil and maintain their reputation. Because they were going to beat him up, or bully him in some other way, obviously.

"So, fag, you finally found a boyfriend dumb enough to date you? How much did you have to pay him?" Caspar asked in the tone of voice most commonly associated with chatting about the weather.

For some reason, everyone just assumed that Phil was gay. He had never openly portrayed affection or attraction towards anyone, ever, so he had no idea how they had reached that conclusion. He just wasn't worthy of being straight to the group of ignorant homophobes he called his classmates, he supposed. Or maybe it was because occasionally, if there was no one else in class, he would pair with Chris or PJ on projects. Like it was contagious, like homosexuality was a disease.

Oddly enough, they weren't homophobic enough for that to stop them from getting this close to him and taunting him. Some homophobes avoided gays like the plague, and were disgusted by even the thought of their pure skin touching that of a homosexual. But Phil had somehow wound up in the place where they had no problem beating the shit out of him for it.

Phil determinedly ignored him -or at least gave off that persona. It was impossible for him not to notice, really, but Caspar didn't need to know that.

"Aw, is someone shy?" Caspar mocked, hitting Phil on the shoulder in what looked like a playful manner but was backed with the force of three trucks. Phil stared out the window even more intently than before, trying desperately and failing to just sink into the leather.

That turned out to be a bad idea, because he felt that same force doubled against the back of his head, smashing his forehead against the bus window. His ear ring and his vision swam, but there was no mistaking Caspar's harsh, "I asked you a question you subhuman scum. You should be honoured I'm even wasting my time on the likes of you. So, I'm feeling nice today, and I'll ask you one more time. And you better answer, yeah?" Phil tried to nod, but it hurt his head. Luckily, Caspar got the picture. "Who's your boyfriend, fag?"

He nearly spat out the last syllable. Phil's vision returned and he saw the face of a very intimidating Caspar. He gulped and composed himself as much as he could. "Don't have one," he finally managed to squeak.

Phil folded over himself before he even registered the punch in his gut, but when he did his eyes shot closed and he groaned. His head hurt, and he was already nauseous, but now it took all Phil had not to vomit all over his jeans and Casper. He figured vomiting on Caspar would be something he would very much regret, so he willed his breakfast to stay in his churning stomach.

"Fine, you don't want to tell me? Well you will, eventually. This is your warning." Phil opened his eyes in time to see Caspar smirk and his eyes glint as he added one more "fag" for good measure.

Then, blissfully, Caspar went to his friends at the back of the bus and left Phil alone.

* * * * *

Phil prodded at the lump forming on the side of his head as he stared off into the trees, trying and mostly failing to get his history homework done. It was technically lunch time, but Phil still didn't trust himself not to throw up of he tried eating. He would've gladly taken the time to scroll through Tumblr, but the school's wifi didn't support that, and his parents yelled at him if he used too much data. He had reached his month's limit far too quickly, like he always did.

After ten minutes of spacing out at the textbook in front of him, Phil sighed and opened his bag, shoving the book inside it. He was very surprised to see his phone lit up, indicating that he had gotten a text.

No one ever texted Phil during lunch.

He cautiously pulled it out, and inhaled sharply when he saw that it was from an unknown number. He closed his eyes and questioned whether he really wanted to talk to this person again. Probably not. But Phil couldn't help but open the message. He had promised, after all.

From: Unknown Number, 12:16pm  
Not interesting my ass

Phil didn't know what he had been expecting, but that sure wasn't it. He didn't really know what that meant.

To: Unknown Number, 12:17pm  
Well hello to you too

From: Unknown Number, 12:17pm  
How dare you claim that you aren't interesting

To: Unknown Number, 12:18pm  
Because I'm really not

From: Unknown Number, 12:18pm  
You can't see me, but I just snorted

Phil still really didn't know what they were getting at. This person didn't know anything about Phil, mostly because there wasn't all that much to learn. How could he claim he was interesting?

To: Unknown Number, 12:20pm  
I'm not really sure what you mean

From: Unknown Number, 12:21pm  
It means I looked through your notebook. I found your doodles. They made me laugh

To: Unknown Number, 12:22pm  
So? Everybody doodles. And I can't even draw. That hardly equates to interesting

From: Unknown Number, 12:23pm  
I found those little stories in the margins too

To: Unknown Number, 12:23pm  
Class is a boring place

From: Unknown Number, 12:24pm  
I win that one. Ha. Not even a day and I found something interesting about you

Phil didn't really know what to say. His stories weren't interesting. They were something to do with his hands while the teacher droned on. How was he even meant to respond to that?

To: Unknown Number, 12:24pm  
I disagree

From: Unknown Number, 12:25pm  
Of course you do

Phil didn't know what to say to that. If this person expected to be able to put a lull in he conversation and have Phil pick it back up, they were sadly mistaken.

From: Unknown Number, 12:31pm  
You still there?

To: Unknown Number, 12:31pm  
Yes

From: Unknown Number, 12:31pm  
Then why didn't you reply?

To: Unknown Number, 12:32pm  
Because I didn't have anything to say. Conversation is not my strong suit

From: Unknown Number, 12:33pm  
Well then what are your strong suits?

To: Unknown Number, 12:33pm  
I don't really have any

From: Unknown Number, 12:34pm  
Everyone does

To: Unknown Number, 12:35pm  
Not me. I mean, I'm okay at school, but I don't really do anything

From: Unknown Number, 12:35pm  
I refuse to believe that you just lay in your bed staring into space all day

That was true, Phil realized. Even if he didn't do much, he didn't do nothing. Nothing of importance, sure, but he didn't just sleep all day. He actually got very little sleep.

To: Unknown Number, 12:36pm  
No, but not much better. I'm just on the Internet all day

From: Unknown Number, 12:37pm  
Well, the Internet can be an exciting place. I spend a lot of time there too. What websites do you like to go on?

Phil was shocked, honestly. The fact that he basically lived on the Internet was interesting? He hadn't even considered it until the stranger suggested it.

To: Unknown Number, 12:38pm  
Um, I like YouTube, I guess. But my favorite's Tumblr. Lame, I know

No one else Phil had met liked Tumblr. It was the website for losers, and everyone else in his school scoffed at the mention of the blogging site. Phil was actually kind of popular there. Not extremely, he didn't have a ton of followers. He was just there so often and followed so many other blogs that a bunch of people got to know him. Well, his username at least. But he would never tell anyone at school that. He had once mentioned it to Jack, when he was forcing Phil into a conversation, and even he had looked at him funny.

From: Unknown Number, 12:39pm  
Not lame. But are you serious? No one likes Tumblr

Phil sighed. Of course.

To: Unknown Number: 12:39pm  
I told you, I'm a loser

Phil got ready to put his phone away. Surely he wouldn't want to continue the conversation with such a loser. But he was surprised when his mobile lit up in his hand with another message.

From: Unknown Number, 12:40pm  
I told you, not lame. I was just surprised. I haven't heard anyone else in our school say they like Tumblr. I like it too.

Phil nearly did a double take, but he felt the corners of his mouth twitching against his will. He had found a person who hated Alfie, liked Tumblr, and gave him a chance, called him interesting. Or, at least, they had found Phil.

To: Unknown Number, 12:40pm  
Who are you, mysterious person?

From: Unknown Number, 12:40pm  
Not telling

To: Unknown Number, 12:40pm  
Why not?

From: Unknown Number, 12:40pm  
You'd hate me, surely

To: Unknown Number, 12:41pm  
Try me

From: Unknown Number, 12:42  
No. Why should I trust you? I don't know who you are either. Who are you?

To: Unknown Number, 12:42pm  
You'd stop talking to me

From: Unknown Number, 12:43  
Doubt it

To: Unknown Number, 12:44pm  
It seems we have reached an impasse

From: Unknown Number, 12:44pm  
But I want to know

To: Unknown Number, 12:44pm  
Sorry, I don't really do...other people

From: Unknown Number, 12:45pm  
Well that could be taken a multitude of ways

To: Unknown Number, 12:45pm  
Shut up. If you won't tell me, why should I tell you?

From: Unknown Number, 12:46pm  
Fair enough

Then the bell rang.

From: Unknown Number, 12:47pm  
Crap, class. Text you later, anonymous person I've found to be interesting?

Phil found that that thought made him very happy. He hated it. It made him feel woozy. Or maybe that was just the head trauma. He didn't know, and didn't care.

To: Unknown Number, 12:47pm  
Maybe. It makes me nervous

From: Unknown Number, 12:47pm  
What? I make you nervous?

To: Unknown Number, 12:48pm  
Not you specifically. I told you... I'm not good with people

From: Unknown Number, 12:48pm  
Oh. Okay. To be honest I'm not that great either. But I like you. Please let me text you? Or text me?

Phil was starting to worry about missing class.

To: Unknown Number, 12:49pm  
If I say yes will you let me go to class now?

From: Unknown Number, 12:49pm  
Yes

To: Unknown Number, 12:49pm  
Fine. Bye

From: Unknown Number, 12:49pm  
:)


	3. Phil Sits Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry I couldn't type up what I had written by last weekend even though I had it all written and then the website literally wouldn't load when I finished typing it, but I should have Chapter 4 by next weekend. Tell me what you think ^.^ (sorry for the crappy chapter title suggestions greatly appreciated)

Phil walked into the science room with his nose in a book. He knew the path from the door to the back corner that would be safe from people and bags without having to look. Science was a class that students got to choose their seats in, which Phil very much appreciated. That meant he could get a seat at the back, and only remotely tolerable people would sit next to him. The room was full of two person tables to make it easier to pair off lab partners. There was a grand total of three empty seats in the room: one next to Phil, one next to Dan Howell, and one other. No one ever wanted to sit next to the outcasts, so the third was next to whoever got to class last on a given day and had to sit alone. Whoever that person was would be Phil's lab partner, because Dan Howell was somehow a worse option than him. It was impressive, honestly. That was okay with Phil though, because he would never get paired with someone so high up in the social pyramid that they were guaranteed a seat with all their friends.

As Phil approached his table he saw backpacks and a pair of trainers along with the usual chair and table legs. He wondered if people had spontaneously decided to take his table and rearrange where everyone sat. Maybe everyone just got tired of the same old seat. Phil wasn't particularly averse to the idea of moving(he wasn't attached to his seat, it was just where no one else wanted to sit), but it was a mild inconvenience that he had to pay attention to the other students to figure out where he was supposed to sit now.

Phil sighed and closed his book, looking up begrudgingly around the class.

He only saw two empty seats: the one next to Dan and the one directly in front of that one. Phil also noticed that directly in front of him were two boys that he had never met. One of them had light blond hair and the other had brow, both styled into quiffs. Phil never liked new students, because each one just piled on the proof that Phil wasn't worth anyone's time. After a quick scan, he noted that his seating option was next to a quiet girl who he had never bothered to learn the name of. He took a deep breath. That was okay. That was tolerable.

"Oh, um, do you usually sit here?" the blond boy asked suddenly, Phil's flushed face shyly looking back at the table in front of him. The boy spoke with an American accent which Phil really didn't have the motivation to question, no matter how off put he was. He was most definitely not out to bargain for any more conversation than necessary, even if the boy seemed sincere, even if he looked nice and could very well be.

"No, sorry, I just zoned out a bit," Phil mumbled as he started to scurry away. He realized right after he turned around he probably should've at least attempted a polite smile, so he turned around, just at his neck and up, and threw them the first grin he managed.

The blond boy had turned to flipping through his notebook, but his brown haired counterpart with bright blue eyes was looking, and furrowed his brow at Phil.

Phil frowned as he snapped his head back down, a deep magenta covering his face. He shuffled towards the other back corner of the room, eyes widening a bit as a girl -Phil didn't recognize her either, but she had short hair that was an immensely dark brown- walked into the room, scanned the class, and confidently sauntered right up to Dan Howell. Phil paused to watch the interaction partially because it was an anomaly and partially because she was standing in the way of where he was to sit.

Howell was intently focussing out the window next to him at seemingly nothing, but snapped his head when this girl sat herself down on the table right in front of him. He looked shocked to say the least, but his surprise was quickly overtaken by a deep scowl in her general direction.

This girl obviously didn't get the message, just pushing her hair behind her ear in response. "Hey," she said in what Phil assumed was a flirtatious manner (not that he had any experience to compare it to). Phil nearly blanched.

When Dan just resumed his stare into space she let out a small and girlish giggle. "I'm Cat," she informed him. She, Phil noticed, also sported an American accent.

Realizing she wasn't taking his hints, Dan said, "Good for you," never once looking up from the window.

She giggled like he had said the funniest thing she had ever heard. "That's the part where you tell me your name, silly!"

"Oh, is it?" When Cat just stayed put, Dan eventually flicked his eyes back to her with a bored expression. "Dan," he said curtly, turning back to the window.

"Dan," she repeated as if she were testing the feel of it in her mouth. Eventually she smirked. "It suits you. A pretty name for a pretty boy."

Dan Howell, in that moment, wore an expression that Phil would describe, for all intents and purposes, as completely flabbergasted. He didn't respond.

"So, pretty boy, mind if I sit?"

Dan narrowed his eyes at Cat. "Very much so."

She pouted as if he was just teasing her, like he was flirting back. Phil felt a pang of sympathy. Even if Howell was a complete asshat, Phil knew what it felt like when people refused to leave him alone when he clearly wanted them to. "Now why's that? I like you, pretty boy, and I don't see anyone else taking this seat," she said as she gestured around the room at all the other students, none of whom were paying attention. Dan quickly scanned the room.

Phil blushed and looked away when Dan's eyes met his. He felt all the blood overflowing his cheeks heat up impossibly more when he heard Dan say, loudly enough for Phil to hear, "Actually, Phil sits here."

His head snapped back up, and Dan was staring straight at him, looking right into his eyes. But after a few seconds, Phil saw the last thing he was expecting to see in his surprisingly deep brown eyes.

Dan Howell was looking at him with a look of desperation; his eyes were pleading. Phil had never seen any emotion(save maybe annoyance or boredom) on the boy's face before, and now his irises seemed to be shining with all of them at once. Phil could only nod. There was just something about that gaze, about the look of utter helplessness that made Phil nearly choke with empathy. Now that he thought about it, Phil couldn't remember Dan specifically being mean. He just gave off a vibe of unapproachable and not to be messed with. There was this unspoken "or else" in everything he did, and Phil was definitely one to be easily intimidated.

So, whether it be by fear or empathy, Phil cautiously closed the distance over to the seat, hesitantly pulled out the chair, and slid into it. For a few moments he just trained his eyes on the book bag he was setting down. Only when his things were sorted and he couldn't rummage through his bag any longer without it being awkward did Phil look up. He was hyper aware of the foreign and unwelcome presence to his right. To escape it he turned left and was met with Cat's glare as she flipped her hair and strutted to the front of the room.

She arrived up at the table where Marcus was sitting and one glare at the girl he was sitting with (Phil couldn't remember her name, so it must've been her lucky day to sit with someone as popular and desirable as Marcus Butler) had her grabbing her bag and plopping down in the last free seat in front of Phil. She was fuming as Cat twirled her hair and batted her eyelashes at Marcus while he giggled at something she had said. Cat winked back at Dan, but he was looking out the window again.

The bell rang and the teacher walked in. Phil pulled out his notebook and started to copy down the chemical equations on the board like the students were trained to do when class started every day.

Phil was acutely aware of how different the room looked from just the other end. He found himself mystified with how such a little distance could completely change how he interpreted the world.

He didn't even notice that he had zoned out until the teacher called out for the class' attention.

"As many of you have surely noticed, some new students are joining us today. For the next few weeks, our school will be participating in a foreign exchange program. In this class we have three new students jointing us." She quickly scanned the room and then motioned for Cat and the two boys in the corner to stand up. When they obliged, Cat had a charming grin plastered on her face and the two boys smiled shyly but looked bored. They seemed friendly enough.

"Would you three like to introduce yourselves? Maybe tell us your names, where you're all from, and and something interesting about you?"

Teachers had a horrible knack for always asking people to introduce themselves that way. Phil hated that. He had an extensive list of reasons why those types of games gave him anxiety. First of all, just how it forced people to speak in front of everyone in a social way, even if they didn't want to. Phil always stuttered, and was always made fun of all day after for it. Then there was the issue of him really not being an interesting individual. The whole situation had him nearly sweating.

Luckily for Phil though, today it wasn't him being forced through it. Yet these three seemed to have no such qualms with the activity, as Cat immediately chirped in by saying, "Hi, I'm Cat. I used to live in Florida with my parents, my brother, and our dog. Back home I was the student body president and have been since freshman year."

The class clapped a bit, and one boy even whistled, earning a harsh look from the teacher. Phil sat silently and sighed, bringing his hands together lightly so as not to stand out. He noticed Dan was still staring out the window.

"Hey, I'm Tyler," the blond kid said, quickly capturing everyone's attention. "I'm from LA, and I used to have purple hair."

"And I'm Troye, I'm from Perth, in Australia, and I like to sing," the brunette next to him -Troye- finished.

A few people clapped unenthusiastically, but everyone seemed to have moved on. Students tended to have alarmingly short attention spans.

They all sat down, and the lesson continued on as usual. The whole time Phil just stared down at his notes, for once paying attention to the lesson. He was far too aware that there was someone sitting next to him, someone who didn't wear a friendly face. Phil was too self conscious to doodle in his new notebook, the one that he had pointedly left his personal information out of.

When the bell rang Phil found himself nearly jumping out of his seat, haphazardly shoving his notes in his bag. Usually he was the last one to hang around any given classroom, simply to avoid others, but he made an exception to get away from Dan Howell.

"Hey, Lester!" When Phil heard the call from behind, he stopped in his tracks and inhaled sharply. /So close./

Phil turned around a bit and looked at his feet, signaling he had in fact heard him without being so bold as to offer a response.

After a few moments, when Dan still hadn't spoken again, Phil tentatively peeked up at the boy. He was surprised to see him with his eyes closed, taking deep breath. Phil looked at him until his eyes opened on a long exhale. Phil quickly realized that could probably be classed as "staring" and quickly put his head down, a deep blush enveloping his face. Embarrassment piled onto his intimidation.

"Thanks."

It was only a word; it was only a whisper. If anyone else had still been in the room Phil was sure he wouldn't have heard it.

Phil's head shot up to look at the usually silent, unfriendly Dan Howell, but he had already hurried past Phil and was walking out the door.

After a moment or two of shocked stillness, Phil followed suit and headed to his next class.


	4. The "what do you think of" Game

From: Unknown Number, 10:34pm  
Let's play the "what do you think of" game

Phil furrowed his brow at the text that had shown up at such a late hour. So far, the still mysterious figure had only texted him during lunch and in the afternoon.

To: Unknown Number, 10:36pm  
That sounds suspiciously personal

Phil didn't like the sound of anything he thought. Not that he had an endless vault of deep dark dramatic secrets, he just preferred to keep his head his own. Especially "what he thought of." What took up his time was his business. Besides, it wasn't like his head was that enthralling.

From: Unknown Number, 10:37pm  
Not really. It's just what you think of certain people, not in general

To: Unknown Number, 10:37pm  
Fine, how do you play?

From: Unknown Number, 10:39  
It's really simple. I say the name of a person, and you share your opinions about them. Whatever that person triggers in your head. Then vice-versa. I'll start: Alfie.

Phil nearly rolled his eyes at the obvious choice; Alfie was the one person they had already discussed.

To: Unknown Number, 10:41pm  
He scares me. No one that stupid should have that much power

Phil typed it thinking of the times he had accidentally bumped into Zoe in the hallway, specifically a traumatic time last year. It had ended with a black eye, ripped jeans, and a head in the toilet by the hands of Marcus at Alfie's command. The head definitely wasn't Alfie's. Or Zoe's. Or Marcus'. If it's not clear yet, it was Phil's.

From: Unknown Number, 10:41pm  
Very true, but why does that merit fear?

To: Unknown Number, 10:42pm  
Let's just say it ended with toilet water in my black eye. And isn't it my turn?

From: Unknown Number, 10:43pm  
Oh, ouch. And yeah, have your go

Phil pondered asking about himself. Of course he did. It was the obvious thing to do. But it was also obvious what this stranger thought; everyone thought the same thing. And he didn't need the only one who really acknowledged him bashing him. Contrary to popular belief, Phil somehow still had some self esteem left to damage. Also, he didn't want to waste the chance at a proper insight into this person's opinions.

To: Unknown Number, 10:44pm  
Louise

Phil sighed at his own inability to come up with a person that would really get at his opinions. Everybody liked Louise.

From: Unknown Number, 10:45pm  
Definitely one of the most tolerable people in school, but a bit loud and peppy for my taste. Carrie

To: Unknown Number, 10:45pm  
She's sweet. I feel bad for her that no one likes her. Jack and Dean

From: Unknown Number, 10:46pm  
You're only allowed to say one person, but I'll let it slide since they're basically conjoined. I don't really like them. They seem rude. Chris

Phil just stared blankly at the screen. Chris. Chris was a fairly nice boy. He had a crude sense of humour. He had a rough exterior, but Phil had witnessed how much he loved PJ and how caring he was to him.

Chris was a person that no one cared to get to know. Chris was gay and apparently that was the most important thing because everybody hated him for it. Chris, like Phil, was somebody nobody gave a chance.

Phil couldn't say he liked Chris for multiple reasons. First, he didn't "like" anyone, really, so it would be lying. Phil didn't really know him a whole lot better than everyone else, to be honest. If he liked other people then he wouldn't sit alone at lunch everyday. Chris was loud, Chris was crude, Chris never took things seriously. No matter how kind he was to one individual, he wasn't necessarily good. But, primarily, if Phil said he liked Chris then this person would surely hate him. Phil got harassed enough in real life when he hung around Chris and PJ, he definitely wasn't going to tell the stranger that. Phil still couldn't fathom why, but the thought of having his most recent acquaintance abandon him frightened him.

/Just say you hate him. Go along with what everyone else says. Call Chris a fag, people seem to enjoy doing that. They certainly have a field day doing it to you. It's not like Chris is your friend or anything, just do it./

To: Unknown Number, 10:48pm  
I don't really know him. What about you?

Phil didn't know who he was giving a chance: Chris or the stranger. Was Phil really standing up for Chris or did he just decide to offer the opportunity for this stranger to say he's not a homophobe? Even thought Phil knew that probably wasn't the case, he thought it was only fair. This stranger, after all, had given Phil a chance even when he wouldn't give himself one.

From: Unknown Number, 10:49pm  
Uh uh uh, you can't ask the same person twice

Phil let out a breath when the stranger hadn't immediately blown up at Phil or left, but he wasn't quite calm. The stranger hadn't expressed any opinions of his own.

To: Unknown Number, 10:48  
That was never a rule, but fine. PJ then

From: Unknown Number, 10:49  
Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky. I like it. I don't really know him either. Be he seems like he's a decently nice guy, by the standards at our school at least. That new American girl, Cat

Phil nearly burst into tears, he was so relieved. He didn't, but he felt like he could. If this person had been homophobic and/or an arse and/or hated everyone who accepted homosexuality, it would've been a bit heartbreaking. That idea worried Phil; maybe the walls he had built himself weren't as strong as he thought. Maybe there was a window he hadn't noticed. He shoved the notion out of his mind, because he had learned the hard way that without the walls to lean on he would surly fall over.

To: Unknown Number, 10:50pm  
She seems incredibly annoying. Saw her practically harassing Dan Howell today. On that note, Dan Howell.

The train of thought naturally went there, and Phil found himself bombarded with those deep breaths, the pink cheeks, the one word. "Thanks." The flashback made Phil shiver, but he wasn't quite sure why. He thought it might be easier to figure that little fact out if his brain would stop feeding him images of the light catching on the other boy's fringe as he took that final breath, still hidden behind it. Images of the eyes that had shown Phil more genuine emotion than any had in years while they pleaded for an escape from an American girl with harsh giggles and icy eyes.

Phil was waiting for minutes, but he didn't really notice. He just zoned out. He entertained the idea that that was what a comfortable silence between friends felt like. He had never had that, and the thought made him smile.

Just as Phil was about to double check that the stranger was still there, a new message came in. Phil was shocked by what was surly the longest text exchanged between the too so far.

From: Unknown Number, 10:57  
He's an asshole. Literally the worst person I've ever met. He doesn't have any friends, but I'm glad, because I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemy. He's a complete moron who is awful to everyone all the time. He's an oversensitive freak who can't handle his feelings. I hate him.

Phil just blinked at the screen. How was he meant to respond to that? He had basically no experience in the field of interacting with other humans properly normally, let alone what to do when he struck a nerve. And it was obvious even to Phil that he had found a raw one. Obviously the stranger had some melodramatic past with Dan Howell. Maybe this person knew what happened with him. Howell used to have friends. He wasn't popular, but he was doing alright. No one hated him or avoided him or even picked on him. Then one day he had just sprouted a glare that kept everyone away. The stranger must've known him before the scowl. Maybe he knew what happened.

Phil found it mildly worrying that he actually found himself interested in not only the stranger -which he still didn't accept, but at least was getting a bit used to- but Dan Howell, of all people. The boy with a glare that told everyone to stay away. The boy with deep brown eyes that pleaded and glittered in the light. /Dammit Phil, Dan Howell is one of the worst people in school./

From: Unknown Number, 11:02pm  
Sorry. That was intense. You don't have to respond to that. Wanna keep playing? Phil Lester

In less than ten minutes, Phil had experienced more emotional turmoil than he had allowed himself to in almost five years. He had gone from content, to having to process the stranger blowing up, to worrying about his unwelcome curiosity, to the stranger apologising and inadvertently asking Phil his opinion of himself. Which was not exactly a fond one, but he didn't exactly like admitting that. Not even alone when he was lost in his head.

Phil found himself overwhelmed, and felt a headache blossoming. He couldn't do this right now. So he ignored the next notification, shoved his phone under his pillow, and let the delightfully underwhelming darkness lull him to a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *marcus butler voice* Heellloo! So I know this is extra super duper late, but I've been extra super duper busy. I'm sorry! Also, I've moved my A/Ns to the end now, so, much new, very exciting, such different, wow. So I hope y'all like! And I'm going to stop saying I'll stick to my week schedule, because I really don't think I can. I'm sorry :(. But I shall try to at least get a chapter up every couple weeks, and I may be writing some one shots in between. Stay tuned. I also have a big thing... *drumroll please* I'm starting a soulmate AU! Hooray! So I'm not sure how long that'll be yet, but I know the general direction I wanna go, and I've written a beginning. But I probably won't post until I've got a bunch to post, so...  
> Lots of exciting new things! Stay tuned(lol I love how I just talk like people actually read my A/Ns or actively follow my writing)


	5. Kitty and Bear

Phil woke up and looked at his clock. He mildly panicked because he was running late, but then he remembered it was Saturday and plopped back down on the bed.

He thought about when he went to sleep last night. The emotions were less intense now that the moment had passed, and he was left being annoyed at himself for freaking out. Now the stranger surely hated him, he had overreacted and ignored him and who wouldn't hate him? Phil had royally screwed up his one chance at human interaction.

He sighed at his own stupidity and figured he might as well check Tumblr, since that was how he loved to spend his mornings. While trying to muster the motivation to get up and get his laptop, Phil noticed his phone tangled in his sheets and gratefully took the opportunity to stay in bed.

Phil groaned as he saw the text notifications. No doubt they were just a formality of the implied rejection of the stranger. He didn't want to look, but he sighed and sucked it up to get to the safe haven of Tumblr. Even reading the painful messages was more appealing than getting up.

From: Unknown Number, 11:05pm  
You still there?

From: Unknown Number, 11:08pm  
We don't have to play anymore. Wanna just chat instead?

From: Unknown Number, 11:34pm  
Oh god, I fucked up, I'm sorry. Text me if you want to... I'm assuming you've gone to sleep now. Text me in the morning? Please?

Well that was definitely not what Phil had been expecting. The stranger...thought that /he/ had messed up? The stranger was apologising? He didn't blame Phil for freaking out?

Phil felt an unfamiliar warmth in his chest. He couldn't quite place a name to it, but decided he liked the feeling. Phil was still hesitant about letting people in, but this warmth made him think someday it might be okay. This stranger had been nothing but nice so far, after all. Not everyone could really be /that/ bad.

To: Unknown Number, 10:09am  
Sorry

Phil felt that was what he needed to say. It wasn't much, but Phil needed to apologise, give the reassurance they were both denied till morning, and when he tried to say more it sounded jumbled and awkward. So he figured he would get that out there and go with the flow of the conversation. The response was practically immediate.

From: Unknown Number, 10:09am  
Oh thank god. But sorry for what?

To: Unknown Number, 10:09am  
For overreacting and not responding to you

From: Unknown Number, 10:10am  
No, it was completely called for. You told me you were uncomfortable with that kind of stuff and I said it anyways

To: Unknown Number, 10:11am  
I never told you that

From: Unknown Number, 10:12am  
Well yeah but that was intense even for an extremely social person. And I know you, you don't seem comfortable

To: Unknown Number, 10:12am  
You don't know me

Phil felt himself start to freak out again, and he hated it. He forced himself to calm down, because he knew what the stranger meant. But his brain was taking it literally, and like the stranger had broken all his walls, even though he knew better.

From: Unknown Number, 10:12am  
Sorry! Oh my god sorry. I didn't mean it like that, just that you're starting to be familiar and we've had enough conversations I'm beginning to

To: Unknown Number, 10:13am  
No, I shouldn't freak out so much, it's not your fault I'm a fail at interacting with people

From: Unknown Number, 10:13am  
Well it isn't yours either

Phil rolled his eyes at the obviously not thought through statement, miraculously managing to force away the anxiety and appreciate the sentiment behind it.

To: Unknown Number, 10:14am  
Wow, thanks(that's sarcasm btw)

From: Unknown Number, 10:14am  
Shit, wait, that's not what I meant. You can't help it if you're anxious

Phil actually genuinely chuckled after that. He found the stranger's clearly flustered and rushed messages amusing, for reasons difficult to articulate, and he felt a strange fondness at the care in them. This still scared Phil endlessly, but (for a reason he wasn't sure of) he decided to experiment.

Phil decided he wanted to see what would happen if he tried addressing the stranger in a friendly way. What had he got to lose, anyways? Phil determinedly refused to acknowledge that this stranger was quite possibly all he had to lose because it scared him, resolutely choosing to befriend this stranger. No, be friendly with. Not befriend.

He was thinking about what he could possibly say to accomplish that when his phone vibrated again in his hand, startling him.

From: Unknown Number, 10:18am  
Shit, ah, I'm sorry. Please don't leave again, I know I keep screwing up, but it made me sad when you went away. Shit

To: Unknown Number, 10:18am  
No, sorry, I'm actually not freaking out this time. I appreciate the sentiment :)

* * * * *

Over the rest of the weekend, Phil and the stranger somehow returned to normal conversation. They got friendlier, definitely, and Phil finally admitted to himself that he liked this nameless person he texted. The thought still completely terrified him, but he was starting to shove those thoughts away and focus on smiling.

Phil was always aware he hadn't smiled in a while, but he hadn't noticed the tired blur his life had become until he broke out of it. Or until he had a taste of what his life would probably be healthy to be. He hadn't actually broken out of it, and to be honest he probably wouldn't until he was out of school. Phil could live with that.

So on Monday it was no different than any other Monday. Phil reluctantly got out of bed and threw on some clothes that probably didn't match (he didn't have the energy or motivation to check). He shovelled in a quick breakfast and trudged down to the bus stop. He trudged onto the bus and plopped down in his seat a third of the way back.

However, he was pleasantly surprised to get a text message when he sat down. Phil smiled and opened his phone.

From: Unknown Number, 7:01am  
I just realised I don't even have a contact for you yet. What should I call you?

Phil thought for a moment about that. It had been established that neither of them were ready to reveal their identities, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. After about a minute of thinking, he gave up.

To: Unknown Number, 7:03am  
I have no idea >.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh it's been literally forever since this fic's gotten updated, sorry! Thank you so much to anyone's who's actually supported this one, lately Math Notes and Flower Doodles has been getting all the attention. And thank you infinitely to those few who commented and even asked for more! Like Jesus, thank you so fluffing much! I've been so busy, sorry everything is taking forever!  
> That being said, I'm writing about seven things just for here atm so that's also why it's taking forever(along with other unrelated projects)  
> -this  
> -Math Notes and Flower Doodles  
> -gunna at some point continue vampire/time travel thing cuz people wanted me to!  
> -a fluffy oneshot  
> -a soulmate au  
> -a mystery project  
> -probably an attempt at a smut that's a fanfiction of a phanfiction cuz that's just how I roll(but don't count on that that I've been struggling with since summer)  
> So thank you to everyone who comments on literally anything! No, for future reference, I will never cease to pretend people read these, but yay! Hope you liked this!


	6. Enigma Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long here's a nice long chapter for you to enjoy

Phil shoved open the door to the science room without a book in hand that day.

A chill ran through him as he looked across the room to see Dan Howell, the boy that got more confusing by the minute. Phil didn't like Dan, and Dan didn't like Phil; Dan didn't like anyone. Dan was just some random arse who had hurt Bear (at least it seemed like it, Phil hadn't actually asked), and had a glare to keep people away, half-hidden under his golden brown fringe.

But Phil found himself in awe of how the light had caught said fringe the last time he had seen the boy, as he squeezed out a simple 'thanks.' He kept flashing back to the helpless emotion he knew all too well gleaming in the eyes that were usually hardened with a glare.

Today he was looking bored out the window again, hair dull in the shadow of the clouds out the window and eyes turned away. He looked normal, like he wanted to murder everyone and just go home. Honestly it was reassuring to Phil to have that one constant in the enigma back.

He caught himself staring as he tentatively gauged whether he was supposed to sit beside Dan again. Sure, he had been practically demanded to, but that was on Friday when Dan was being harassed by Cat.

But the more he thought about what he should do, he zoned out on Dan'a face. Phil found himself thinking about how his hair looked nothing like it had in the warm glow of the sun, which almost...softened his usually hard appearance. In the murkier lighting, he looked intimidating and sort of angry, but the longer Phil examined him, the more his expression looked different. Dan looked tired. That wasn't uncommon in a high school, of course, everyone was tired, but he just looked so...dead. Not like he wasn't alive, just so unbelievably empty, like he had felt so many emotions they burnt out.

Phil was snapped out of his probably creepy staring by Dan's head turning towards an approaching figure. Phil grimaced to see Cat merrily skipping up to the desk, a sickeningly sweet and innocent expression plastered across her face.

The two started conversing, but from his vantage point across the room Phil wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying. From their facial expressions though, he could tell Cat was bothering Dan again, not that that was a surprise.

Before he know what he was doing, Phil found himself walking to the corner. As he approached the desk, he managed to trip on a stray backpack, and his arms flew out to catch himself on whatever was closest, coincidentally the aforementioned desk. Phil took a deep breath and looked up to find Dan and Cat looking at him in shock at the sudden appearance.

After a moment of them all just looking at each other, all of their expressions changed. Cat narrowed her eyes at him, Phil blushed so hard if probably wasn't healthy, and Dan just eyed him curiously, as if simply waiting to see what he would do next. Phil, out of instinct and muscle memory, looked down at his shoes and stood up, trying to disappear behind his fringe.

But then he remembered that he couldn't just back away and cursed himself for acting boldly. Nevertheless he forced himself to look at least partially up, and awkwardly scrambled into the chair next to Dan. When the awkward silent stare down Phil was receiving didn't come to a natural conclusion, his mind went into a panicked overdrive.

"Hi Dan," he ended up quietly squeaking. Cat's glare furthered and he could no longer force his head up, and he sheepishly looked at his lap. His blush hadn't cleared up, and he didn't see that happening any time soon. Or possibly ever.

"Hey, Phil," Dan replied after a pause. His voice sounded rich with trepidation, like he didn't understand exactly what was happening, but trying to get it right anyways. /Same, Dan/ Phil couldn't help but think. Strangely, however, Phil found himself appreciating that he wasn't immediately dismissed.

Phil looked back up, mildly reassured, and Cat sent him one final glare before strutting away to Caspar's desk, where she had sat on Friday.

Honestly, Phil was surprised that had worked. He smirked inwardly, but he saw Dan still eying him like he was trying to figure something out. Phil blushed again and looked down just as the teacher started droning on.

A few minutes later he looked over to see Dan staring out the window again. He looked completely neutral now, and Phil's brain acted before his mind again. He found his hand scribbling something down on his empty notebook page and tapping Dan in the shoulder.

Dan's head snapped towards him so quickly his neck cracked, making Phil cringe. Dan stared at Phil with wide eyes, obviously startled that Phil had initiated any form of communication at all.

Phil blushed again and Dan raised his eyebrows. Phil cursed himself for being so awkward and hurriedly pointed to the page where he had written, "Thanks for this morning."

As Dan read it Phil blushed some more, but he also noticed the little glint in Dan's eyes. Dan leisurely picked up a pencil and decided it was okay to write a reply in Phil's notebook. "It was nothing. Now we're even."

Phil furrowed his brow, not quite getting what Dan had meant, but Dan's attention was out the window again, face still a level mixture of 'I'm pissed off' and 'I don't care.' Phil didn't have the courage to recapture his attention.

* * * * *

Phil sat in his window, eating lunch and waiting for Bear to reply to his text.

Phil found himself less nervous initiating conversations with Bear. Bear seemed to want to talk to him, and if that wasn't miracle enough Phil wanted to talk to Bear. Bear seemed really nice, and he gave Phil a chance. Even when Phil freaked out and Bear had the perfect opportunity to ditch him, Bear seemed more concerned that he had scared Phil away. Bear became obsessed with boundaries, and was extra careful to make Phil feel comfortable. He had kept to lighter topics mostly, and they had discovered that they had loads in common. Their music tastes were nearly identical and they both fangirled about anime. YouTube and Tumblr were their favourite websites, they both procrastinated everything, and their grades were both average. They had next to no (or, in Phil's case at least, no) social life, and never really did anything.

So now Phil had started texting first sometimes, scarily excited that he may have had a friend. He started eating his sandwich as he checked his phone for the umpteenth time.

As time went on, the sound of steps on the staircase above died down, but still no text message. Phil began to fret, but he forced himself to calm down. Bear would have friends, he probably wouldn't be able to talk every lunch. And he could be doing a million things, lunch had only just started.

But minutes ticked on, it was almost half way through the way into the lunch period, and Phil started doing what Phil did best: worrying. Phil was anxious. What if he had done or said something wrong? What if it was weird and clingy to text during lunch? Phil honestly didn't know what was socially acceptable.

He sat there running through possibilities and trying to calm himself down for a few minutes. Phil was snapped out of his state by the noise of someone walking on the stairs above, so he shook his head in an effort to clear it and resumed eating his sandwich.

But the footsteps didn't go away. They started getting louder and closer. If Phil had been on edge before, he was about to panic now. What if Caspar or Alfie or someone had found his place? No one had found his window before, and that's just how he liked it, that's why he claimed it as his. Phil honestly didn't know what he would do without the safe haven it provided.

Phil was getting himself to take deep breaths as the noises kept getting closer but farther apart, like the person was slowing down. No one had found his window yet. No one. He would bet quite a lot that most students didn't even know the room existed anymore.

He closed his eyes as he saw a figure turn the corner onto the last section of staircase visible from where Phil sat.

The footsteps stopped, but Phil didn't open his eyes, he was too afraid to see who was there. After a minute in which Phil decided this person was probably surveying the room and Phil prayed for them to leave, he heard someone clear their throat.

"Phil?" Phil's eyes finally opened at the mildly familiar voice. As expected, he was greeted by a dull brown fringe and eyes to match. Only in the few moments the two boys just stared at each other, Phil noticed a glint of that wild pleading in Dan's eyes again, and eventually he just nodded.

"Hi, Dan..." Phil said awkwardly, flipping his own fringe out of his eyes. "What brings you here?" He tacked on, trying to come across as not completely terrified and vulnerable. Sure, Dan had never directly hurt anyone that he knew of, but Phil was freaking out and the boy still confused and intimidated him.

Dan cleared his throat and started messing around with his already perfectly maintained fringe. "Well, it's just that Cat found my lunch table and tried to sit there so I left and just sort of walked and ended up here and I didn't even know there was a here to be honest."

"Yeah, no one really does. That's why I come here," Phil said.

"That's cool..."

They stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes, neither looking the other directly in the eyes. Then, all of the sudden, there was a noise upstairs. It was a deep voice accompanied by a shrill one, both sounding mean.

Dan looked worriedly where he had just come from and then back at Phil. "Shit, that's her, and Marcus by the sound of it. Maybe Caspar. I don't know, they've been all over her since she's arrived. Shitshitshit."

They stayed quiet until the voices faded away, and Dan let out a breath. Phil had mostly managed to calm down, but Dan freaking out definitely didn't help the process, so he ended up being stuck looking like some deer-in-headlights-fish-out-of-water-hybrid.

"Would you mind if I maybe stayed here? And sat? I won't be a bother, I just really don't want her to find me." Phil was caught even more off guard, but in the brown eyes that may as well have been crystal balls Phil was so confused by what they meant, he saw that helpless pleading he related to so strongly. He slowly and tentatively nodded.

Dan looked so relieved, but quickly blocked the emotion from his eyes again. Phil didn't like how he could do that. It confused him. Dan, with his confident persona that Phil hated so much back up, sauntered over to the large window sill and sat opposite Phil.

"Thanks, Lester," Dan offered quietly, almost like a peace offering. It was nice and polite and cold and intimidating and all Phil could do was nod again and stare at the pretty fringe covering those confusing eyes.

After most of the period passed in silence, Phil remembered something that was bothering him. He tried to gather the confidence to speak, but ended up quietly squeaking and blushing.

Dan looked over and a light smirk of amusement danced on the boys lips. "Got something to say, Lester?" he nearly taunted. "Come on, I don't bite."

Phil cleared his throat and took a breath. His voice was quiet, but there was no one else in the room to make noise. "I was just wondering... You said you were just getting even..." Phil trailed off, more proud than he probably should've been for getting that much out.

"Keen observation," Dan retorted, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Even for what?" Phil asked quietly. He managed to pull his gaze back up to meet Dan's, and when he did the boy sighed and ran a hand through his fringe. That seemed to be a habit of his.

"For helping me out, with Cat, on Friday."

Phil was genuinely surprised. "Well it's not like I had much choice," Phil muttered. Dan seemed to have noticed, and pursed his lips.

The bell rang and Dan got up quickly, walking swiftly away without another word. Phil was perfectly fine with this. In fact, he hated any sort of farewell, he always screwed them up, even simple goodbyes after meaningless chit chat. 

Phil took his time putting his lunch bag away, and was surprised to find his phone vibrating in his hand as he went to put that away too.

From: Bear, 12:11pm  
Sorry I didn't text, had to go take a test I missed cuz I was sick one day last week >.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me so happy, please do! ^.^  
> Anyways, I am sososo sorry this took so long, I am a horrible person, I am completely aware of this. January is just the month my entire life gets completely taken over by preparing for and taking my midterm exams, but they're over and I can write again!!!!!  
> So I'm not going to bother keeping track of everything I'm doing because I've lost track tbh just ugh so many things  
> Hope yall enjoy, please tell me what you think, and I promise to update sooner next time ^.^


	7. The Cafeteria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my baby and I've neglected it and I'm so sorry

"Come on, Phil, you haven't sat with us in literally ages," Jack said one day. "I don't even know where you go. Where do you go?"

"Oh, nowhere..." Phil mumbled elusively.

"Well wherever it is, I'm pretty sure it's in total isolation, and that isn't good for you," Dean piped in, walking up behind Jack. Even though he wasn't even there yet, he seamlessly fit his way into the conversation, and Phil couldn't help but envy him.

"I'm not in /total/ isolation," Phil muttered, thinking about how Dan had joined him in his hiding spot for the last week. They had had little to no interaction, but hey, it was company all the same. Phil couldn't say he enjoyed it, but it definitely less unpleasant than he would have expected.

"What was that?" Dean asked. Phil snapped his head up to look at Dean, not realising that anyone had heard his muttering.

"I prefer the isolation," Phil said, louder this time. He blushed, thinking again to sitting in silence with Dan in the window sill, this time comparing it to all those years spent alone. He honestly couldn't say which he preferred. The experiences were so different. Alone he felt safer, and could lose himself in his head. Phil always liked that better than having to interact with people, but...it was different with Dan. They weren't interacting so much as just sharing space, and it was kind of nice. there was almost an empathy there, a sort of unspoken bond formed by the similar interest of hiding from society. The enemy of your enemy is your friend, just in this case the enemy was the entire world. But alone was definitely more comfortable for Phil, because it was all he had ever really known. Even thinking about how he didn't mind Dan's presence was giving him anxiety.

Both of the other two boys scoffed. "You're sitting with us today," Jack said firmly. "Whether it's consensual or not."

"Yeah," Dean chimed in. "Don't make us drag you and tie you to the chair, because we'll do it." While saying this, the boy attempted to get in Phil's face in what he assumed was supposed to be an intimidating fashion, but due to the enormous height difference ended it ended up looking rather hilarious. If Phil wasn't fighting off intense anxiety at the thought of having to go to the cafeteria, he might have laughed. Well, that and if he was actually confudent enough to to show any sort of normal human expression or response to other ever. Or his face. That may have helped with a few things, now that Phil thought about it.

"Why? Why are you so intent to have me sit with you?"

"Because, you're lonely as hell, you can practically smell it down the hall," Dean said bluntly.

"And we're you're friends, Phil, why are you resisting us so much?" Jack added on in a slightly kinder tone.

Phil sighed and looked at his shoes. "I just don't like the cafeteria, it's too crowded," Phil said. /And there are too many people who hate him and laugh at him and make noise and it kind of smells like a dead rodent/ Phil tacked on in his head, though he would never express the understatement aloud.

"If you don't come we'll follow you and invade your secret lunch hideout, you know," Dean offered.

Phil's heart nearly stopped.

"Fine," he muttered, reluctantly trudging after the two triumphant boys towards the cafeteria. When he got to the double doors he had to swallow down some bile. The cacophony, it felt like, had already consumed him. He couldn't help pausing to collect himself for a few moments, yelling at himself for being such a fail that he couldn't even walk into his school's goddamn cafeteria, and Jack and Dean definitely noticed.

"Come on mate, we're nearly there," Dean whined at the interruption of him obtaining lunch.

"Yeah, why'd you stop?" Jack asked exasperatedly.

Phil just gulped and shook his head, bracing himself as subtlety as possible before shoving the doors open himself.

If he had thought the muffled noise outside was terrible, the chaos of the room was positively lethal. Everyone, it seemed, was shouting. Someone threw a football and some other kids were throwing paper. There were some kids on their phones and others making out and some laughing so loud Phil wanted to scratch out his own eardrums. The fact that Jack and Dean were leading him to a table in the corner was little consolation.

As they approached the a aforementioned table, Phil had zoned out on the air in front of him and his breathing, ignoring loud hellos exchanged until he heard his name.

"Hey, Phil!" Carrie greeted brightly. "You haven't sat with us in a while, where do you run off to?"

Phil only blushed and shrugged, practically falling into the chair furthest in the corner. Luckily, Jack spoke next.

"He won't tell us. We had to drag him down here just now actually."

"Oh, come on Phil, we don't bite," Carrie said so genuinely Phil forced himself to smile at her, very nearly convinced his pounding heart would spill out if he detached his clenched teeth. The sweetness of Carrie almost always made him feel bad, and he was sure he would feel horrible if he could see her properly as she spoke the kind words. Fortunately, no one else addressed him for a while, and he was able to focus on blocking out the room and evening out his breathing.

/It's okay, Phil/ he thought to himself. /It's only a cafeteria and you're in a corner and nobody's even paying attention. Just take comfort in the fact that no one cares./

When he no longer felt like he was about to explode, he took a deep breath and tried to distract himself by eavesdropping on the table's conversation. He supposed it probably wasn't considered eavesdropping if he was invited there (that was probably just called being polite), but he couldn't shake the feeling like it wasn't his place.

"Hey, did you guys hear about Tyler and Troye?" Dean said eagerly. Phil had always known that Dean loved to gossip. It wasn't exactly a secret, but Dean would have scoffed if it was mentioned. Also, Phil didn't exactly think of it like that. Dean was one of about five people who was remotely nice to him, and that word had horrible connotations; it reminded him of bitchy girls in stupid high school films.

"The new exchange students?" Carrie asked.

"Yeah, them-"

"They seemed to have climbed the social ladder pretty quickly," Jack interjected. "They've been hanging out with Caspar and them."

Dean only grinned at him. "Well guess what?"

"Oh, just tell us already. No need for suspense," Carrie said.

"They're gay."

The other two nearly spat out whatever they were eating. "What?" They both asked in unison. If Phil had been any sort of clear headed, he would have taken the time to be annoyed at society that that was even a shock.

Dean just continued smirking at their reactions, clearly being what he had hoped for. "Yep. Gay. They're a couple," he added smugly.

There were a few silent moments as the information was processed. Eventually Jack broke it. "Well how's everyone reacting to that? It's one thing to have Chris and PJ start fucking, it's quite another to have some new jocks...how would people even react?"

"Well, from what I've heard, not too many people know yet. It's fairly new news. But no one really knows how they want to react. It's quite funny, actually."

And that's when Phil tuned out of the conversation again. Not that he didn't care about it (he didn't, but that was beside the point), he just thought of a better way to handle his anxiety. He thought of the one person who seemed to be able to make him feel better. Bear.

They hadn't texted in lunch much that week, due to Bear having to go in and see several teachers and Phil just awkwardly avoiding doing literally anything with Dan around. That's why Phil was slightly nervous about sending the initial text during lunch. He took a deep breath and got over it, knowing the one thing he didn't have to be anxious about was Bear.

To: Bear, 11:37am  
You free for talking?

Phil got a response almost immediately, and couldn't help but smile.

From: Bear, 11:37am  
Yes, definitely. My companion seems to have not shown up for the day, but I didn't know if it was okay to text you, seeing as lunch schedules have been weird lately...

To: Bear, 11:38am  
Aw, sorry about the companion. Their loss ^.^ But don't worry, it's always okay to text me. It's not like I do anything...

From: Bear, 11:38am  
Same though. Well, I'm glad to hear it Kitty, as I rather like talking to you ^.^

To: Bear, 11:40am  
Bear, cat face is my thing

From: Bear, 11:40am  
Dammit, I made you uncomfortable. Don't even try to deny it. Sorry Kitty.

To: Bear, 11:41am  
No, I'm just being stupid. I enjoy talking to you too Bear. You should really stop apologising for my lack of social skills. It's a bad habit to get into

From: Bear, 11:41am  
Never ^.^

To: Bear, 11:41am  
Cat face is still my thing Bear

"Who are you texting, Phil?"

His head snapped up at the unexpected comment from the real world. Somehow he had managed to actually zone out this time. He quickly picked out the sweet voice as Carrie's, but found that all the table's attention had seemingly shifted to him.

"Nobody..." Phil said, perpetually blushing.

"No, come on, tell us," Dean said excitedly.

"Yeah, you're blushing, that obviously means it's not nobody. And besides, everybody who's nobody is here," Jack said.

"Hey!" Carrie and Dean scolded.

A sly smile danced across his lips. "Hey, come on, I was included in that list. Phil never replies to any of our texts straight away, I was just pointing it out."

At that moment Phil's phone vibrated again, and he blushed again. He didn't even really know what he was blushing at at this point, only that his face seemed to be the only place any blood his body produced raced to get to. His cheeks were where it was at.

Phil didn't know what to do then. What was the social convention for this? Did he look at his phone? Did he keep talking and ignore Bear? Would they try to look at who he was texting?

Eventually, when he sat there just staring at nothing and looking confused and embarrassed, someone said, "Well aren't you going to answer them?" which definitely only made him blush harder and open his phone.

From: Bear, 11:42am  
You keep saying that, but there's still no bear emoji

To: Bear, 11:43am  
Fair point, but you can't keep stealing my thing. How about you go :3 or :D instead

From: Bear, 11:43am  
What am I, a 13 year old girl? No way am I making :3 my thing

To: Bear, 11:43am  
And yet you keep using ^.^

From: Bear, 11:44am  
... I have no retort ... -_-

To: Bear, 11:44am  
^.^ I have bested you!

From: Bear, 11:44am  
...yeah...

To: Bear, 11:45  
;)

"You're smiling, Lester. I haven't seen you smile...ever. Who the hell are you texting?" Jack spoke up, shocking Phil again. The blush settled back on his face when he realised they were all still staring at him the entire time. In that moment, Phil wanted nothing more than to disappear.

"Ooh, has someone got a special lady friend?" Carrie asked, like it was the most scandalous question in the world.

"No, Carrie, I do not," Phil ended up muttering, but somehow they all still heard him over the wall of noise that was the cafeteria.

"Then who are you texting?" Dean asked again.

"I said nobody," Phil muttered, unintentionally harsher this time.

They all looked very curious, Carrie with her eyebrows furrowed together, Dean with one raised, and Jack with both shot up a bit higher than usual, but to Phil's utter relief they backed off then. Well, they had a few minutes of an awkward stare off, but eventually they went back to other subjects. Phil checked his phone again, the blush lingering on his cheeks.

From: Bear, 11:45am  
Kitty, did you just use a wink emoji with me? Positively scandalous ;)

From: Bear, 11:48am  
Fuck, Kitty, I didn't mean it like that, please answer

To: Beat, 11:49am  
Nonono, you didn't say anything! People were trying to talk to me in real life (ew), sorry I didn't reply. But worry not, I have warded the foul humans away.

From: Bear, 11:49am  
Oh good. Sorry for always overreacting, I just can't help being worried

To: Bear, 11:50am  
Yeah, I kind of deserve that though, I'm unpredictable and over reactive myself. Now where were we?

From: Bear, 11:50am  
Either ^.^ or ;) You pick

To: Bear, 11:51am  
^.^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment, any and all feedback means the world to me ^.^  
> Okay so I'm so sorry everyone. I know I said I wouldn't disappear for two months again. Time just sort of slipped away from me...  
> I have been posting more to Maths Notes though, so that's good.  
> I kind of have to focus on that one, because that's my most popular by far, and more people seem to ask for more there.  
> Also, even if you're not reading Maths Notes, I would recommend reading my author's notes there if you want more constant updates on my general writing and stuff...yeah...  
> So, I hope you enjoyed this, I will try not to neglect my baby so much in the future.


	8. You're Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this??? THREE updates in one day??? DAVINE WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? IS THE WORLD ENDING??? Probs, tbh

From: Bear, 10:02pm  
What's your family like?

To: Bear, 10:02pm  
Normal, I guess. They leave me alone, which is great. Why do you ask?

From: Bear, 10:03pm  
I just...we talk so much, but then I'll just suddenly realise that I don't know anything about you

To: Bear, 10:03pm  
You know more about me than anyone else, Bear

From: Bear, 10:04pm  
...really? Because I feel like I know nothing. I don't know your favourite colour

To: Bear, 10:04pm  
Green

From: Bear, 10:04pm  
Or if you've got any siblings or pets

To: Bear, 10:04pm  
I've got a brother. No pets, but when I was younger I had a hamster

From: Bear, 10:05pm  
I don't even know your name

From: Bear, 10:10pm  
You don't need to tell me your name Kitty. Please respond

To: Bear, 10:10pm  
I know. Sorry

From: Bear, 10:11pm  
Don't be sorry Kitty. 

To: Bear, 10:11pm  
Right. So then. What's your family like?

From: Bear, 10:13pm  
Well, it's just my mum and I. I don't have any siblings, and my mum's just a single parent. She's really loving though, sometimes more than I think I deserve

To: Bear, 10:14pm  
Why wouldn't you deserve it? You're the best person I know

To: Bear, 10:17pm  
Bear?

From: Bear, 10:18pm  
Thanks, I guess...

To: Bear, 10:18pm  
You don't believe me, do you?

From: Bear, 10:19pm  
No, I believe you. I trust you wouldn't lie. Knowing you you probably wouldn't even know how

To: Bear, 10:19pm  
Wow, thanks

From: Bear, 10:20pm  
Any time ^.^

To: Bear, 10:20pm  
So why are you being weird about it, if you believe me?

From: Bear, 10:20pm  
I just...I believe you, I just don't agree with you

To: Bear, 10:21pm  
Oh

From: Bear, 10:21pm  
Yeah...probably why I don't have any friends, to be honest. Which certainly doesn't help things...

To: Bear, 10:21pm  
Oh come on, I'm sure you have some friends

From: Bear, 10:21pm  
That's funny, Kitty

To: Bear, 10:21pm  
Well, you can't be worse off than me, I know that for a fact

From: Bear, 10:21pm  
Doubt it

To: Bear, 10:21pm  
Agree to disagree?

From: Bear, 10:22pm  
Okay. I guess to actually determine who is more of a loser we'd have to reveal our identities

To: Bear, 10:22pm  
Yeah, probably

To: Bear, 10:27pm  
I think you're amazing, by the way.

From: Bear, 10:28pm  
Really?

To: Bear, 10:32pm  
Really. In fact, you're the greatest person I've ever spoken to. You're so kind, and you gave me a chance. No one's ever done that before. Even when I wouldn't talk to you properly, you held faith in me. No one has ever believed in me. Thank you. If anyone isn't deserving, it's me. I'm stupid and I overreact to everything and I suck at talking and I'm too nervous for my own good. But you...you gave me a chance. All I can say is thank you. You're more than amazing, Bear. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

To: Bear, 10:40pm  
Fuck. That was a bit too strong, wasn't it...? Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Ignore that text, if you want.

From: Bear, 10:40pm  
Thank you, Kitty. You have no idea how much that means to me. I know that must have been really hard for you to say, and just... Thank you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me too.

To: Bear, 10:41pm  
Thank you...just...thank you

From: Bear, 10:42pm  
I really really like you, Kitty. I'm glad I found your notebook.

To: Bear, 10:45pm  
I am too. And you know...I really really like you too, Bear. You're easily the best friend I've ever had

From: Bear, 10:46pm  
Same goes to you. You're perfect, Kitty.

To: Bear, 10:46pm  
Um, no

From: Bear, 10:46pm  
Um, yes

To: Bear, 10:47pm  
I don't know who you've been talking to, but I'm kind of a mess of a human being

From: Bear, 10:48pm  
Well, you're my mess of a human. I love you, Kitty

From: Bear, 10:56pm  
Kitty? Fuck, I'm sorry

From: Bear, 10:59pm  
Please respond. I'm sorry. Ignore that

From: Bear, 11:06pm  
Please?

From: Bear: 11:09pm  
Kitty

From: Bear, 11:12pm  
Fuck. I fucked up big, didn't I?

From: Bear, 3:32am  
Fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please COMMENT, any and all feedback makes my day, I LOVE it!  
> Before you say it: I know I updated thrice today. I have no idea. I might even more later. No promises, but I'm just in a writing mood today I guess.  
> And I was originally going to write the texts for this chapter first and then add the other stuff later, but it just sort of worked out that I like it like this. I think the messages speak for themselves, really. So yeah, feedback on the style please? Thanks :3  
> So yeah... I guess I don't have much else to say XD  
> I have no idea what's coming next, because it's all literally /just/ been updated. It's a MyStErYyYyY  
> Hope you enjoyed ^.^


	9. The Code of the Recluses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: panic attack  
> Disclaimer: I have never had a panic attack and I don't claim to know what it's like. I just tried my best based on various other sources, please tell me if I've offended anyone in any way.

Phil hadn't texted Bear back and couldn't feel worse about it. He just couldn't. He didn't know why, and he hated it, but he could not bring himself to reply.

Bear was, by far, Phil's favourite person at this point. Not that there was stiff competition, but it was an accomplishment. Because Phil didn't simply dislike Bear less than everyone else; he genuinely liked Bear. He liked him quite a lot. It was terrifying.

Phil hadn't had any sincere feelings for people for as long as he could remember, and he was used to it. The thought that all those walls had been broken down -by a stranger, no less- made Phil scared.

But then again, Bear wasn't a stranger anymore, not really. Phil knew that Bear wasted too much time on Tumblr and YouTube. He knew Bear lived alone with his mum, who was loving and treated him well. He knew Bear found his drawings and little stories interesting. He knew Bear was kind, understanding, and patient. He knew Bear put up with him and always made sure he was comfortable. Phil knew Bear loved him.

Which was exactly the knowledge Phil was suppressing as he got up and ignored his phone. And as he got on the bus and ignored his phone. And as he passed the sky house with the swing set and ignored his phone. As he shoved his coat in his locker and ignored his phone. As he walked into science class and ignored his phone.

In his persistence at not thinking, Phil got to his seat very quickly, finding himself with nothing else to do to distract himself. He desperately searched around the room for anything to focus on. Class didn't start for another five minutes or so, so not very many students occupied the classroom. Phil's gaze quickly fell on Alfie strutting into the room, chatting with Marcus.

There was a definite moment Phil saw that familiar and terrifying glint enter their eyes. He couldn't help but flinch and tense up. Though, to be fair, it would work quite nicely as a distraction from the phone he was all to aware was burning a hole in his bag.

Still, when Marcus started leading the way to the corner of the room opposite where Phil's seat was, he sighed in relief. He decided to keep watching, though, as the two strolled to where Tyler and Troye were sitting.

"Hey, guys!" Marcus called, making both of the boys heads' pop up.

"Hey, Marcus," Tyler replied energetically. "Alfie," he acknowledged with a nod.

"What're you so happy about?" Alfie practically spat back at him.

Tyler's brow furrowed. "Is everything okay?" Troye ended up asking. He sounded kind, like he was actually concerned.

"Why would you care?" Marcus snapped, only leaving the two more confused.

"What's your guys' problem?" Tyler asked, much less gently than Troye had been.

"We heard you were a couple of fags. That true, Oakley?" Marcus said, his voice sharp and drawn out. It was definitely more of a statement than a question.

They both just blinked up at Marcus. Then they turned to each other and just looked, their eyes widening slightly.

They sat there like that for a little while, just sort of looking at each other, emotions Phil couldn't quite read passing through their faces. Marcus continued to stare at them, disbelieving and questioning, while Alfie stood there looking utterly pissed.

"Well?" Alfie prompted eventually, and Tyler's eyes narrowed.

"Are you implying we're bundles of sticks, Marcus?" Tyler said. His voice had dropped about three octaves. It was smooth, sharp, and utterly terrifying.

Both Marcus and Alfie seemed rather shocked by the sentence, only serving to annoy them further. "What the fuck did you just say mate?" Marcus said aggressively.

Tyler's voice remained oddly calm, and it was unnerving. "I asked if you implied that Troye and I were bundled of sticks. You do know that that's what faggot means, don't you? Or is your homophobia so blinding that you don't even bother to learn what words mean before you use them?"

"Don't be a smart ass, Oakley," Marcus said.

"Yeah, that will not work out in your favour," Alfie added on. "Now answer the fucking question: you two faggots or what?"

"If you mean to ask if we're gay," Troye interjected, "then the answer is yes. But I must say, I don't appreciate the rudeness."

With that, Marcus grabbed for Troye's collar quicker than the eye could register, and Tyler raised his arm in protest just as someone (Phil didn't quite catch who) yelled, "Teacher!"

They all quickly let each other go so as to not get in trouble, but their gazes were all venomous, and they gave Phil shivers to even look at. Even when they weren't directed at him, those stares terrified him. It also definitely didn't help that Tyler fought back, because then Marcus and Alfie might get frustrated and turn to their default easy target. Phil really hoped it didn't get to that point.

The teacher then entered the room, right on cue, and started instructing. "Okay everybody, take your seats. I've got something to announce today."

Everyone did as they were told, a few people rolling their eyes or groaning. The teacher was definitely referring to the big project that was to be assigned that day. Phil couldn't help but tense up at the thought. It was a partner project. And the teacher assigned the partners.

Phil had been dreading this day since the teacher had told them about it the week before, wanting to vomit at the thought. He would have to meet outside of school with a classmate and somehow not be an awkward mess of anxiety. How the hell was he supposed to get a good grade? Also, that meant the partner could be anyone: including Marcus or Alfie. As soon as he thought that Phil became worried he might actually vomit from nerves, so he went back to suppressing anything and everything he was feeling. Probably not the healthiest move, but he couldn't care less at that point.

A noise of distaste with the situation to match Phil's thoughts sounded from his right, and he nearly jumped out of his chair. He whipped his head around and was met with irritated brown eyes partially covered by a similarly coloured fringe. Apparently Dan had sat down when he hadn't noticed. Dan met his eyes while Phil happened to be staring at him wide eyed, and Phil immediately blushed and looked down, cursing himself for being so awkward.

"Everything alright, Lester?" Dan asked in an inquisitive whisper.

And goddamn, Phil had not been expecting any sort of follow up, the question throwing him completely off guard. The word choice made every reason he was currently not alright threaten to push back through; thoughts of bullies and Bear and the mobile in his bag all fought to break the dams he was building in his head. Luckily, he managed to shake all those thoughts away.

"Yeah, just didn't see you come in..." he trailed off, so quiet he would be honestly surprised if Dan had heard any of it. But he didn't speak again, and Phil forced himself to look up in time to catch the back end of a nod. He sighed in relief, blush still overtaking his face. Phil's thoughts were racing in all possible directions, and he felt dizzy. He was awkward and couldn't talk and rejected Bear and might've had to talk to someone who would just beat him up and he couldn't even talk to Bear and his face was burning.

Phil took a deep breath, trying to collect himself again. He refused to have a meltdown in public; that would only be more embarrassing, and that definitely wouldn't help anything.

The teacher was sharing what was likely key information about the project, and Phil eventually collected himself enough to try to pay attention. He missed due dates and specifics, but fortunately he caught the gist of what the teacher had said. It would've been somehow even worse than it was to go up and admit to his partner he had no idea what had been told to them not five minutes before. Also luckily, the teacher passed out worksheets with the project's details on it.

"Okay, now before you all start-" the teacher started, cut off when the door to the classroom opened once more. Everyone's eyes naturally averted to the new appearance. It was the teacher from the room next door.

"Hey, I need some help playing a video, could you maybe come check it out?" they asked Phil's teacher politely. She looked a bit annoyed, but sighed and nodded anyways.

She turned back to the class. "Alright class, I'm going to go help get this sorted. I'll project the partner assignments and you can get to work immediately. Don't cause trouble while I'm gone," she said, like it would make any difference.

Phil felt his heart jumping up into his throat and blood pounding through his head as the teacher brought the page with his fate sealed on it towards the projector. When she turned the device on, Phil ended up closing his eyes and taking a moment to breathe. It was pathetic, he knew, but he forced himself to take a deep breath while he heard voices whooping in excitement about getting paired with friends or groaning at other partnerships. Eventually Phil forced his eyes open too, and they darted down the list.

Phil found his name towards the middle of the list, and he was very relieved to not see Marcus' or Alfie's or anyone else as incriminating's name there. He breathed again. He was partnered with Troye, the one Marcus almost beat up for being gay a few minutes ago. At least he could relate to that. And when Phil had spoken to him on that first day, he seemed nice enough. Phil didn't quite know what to expect, and he knew he would still manage to screw everything up, but it definitely could be worse. That's what he repeated to himself as the teacher got up and left the room.

Oh man Phil wished the teacher had never left.

"Hey look, two fags are partners!" some random kid yelled.

"Oh no, but it's not the boyfriends!"

"Better not cheat on him!"

"No, he's definitely gunna, fags are like dogs in heat!"

"Lester will finally get some!"

"Ew, that's so gross!"

"I wanna barf!"

"Ah, young faggot love, such a disgusting thing!"

The cacophony enveloped Phil, and he didn't think he had ever wanted to disappear more. Out of all the blush, all the awkward, all the beatings. It was just so /loud./

That's all Phil could think: loud, loud, loud loud loud. He wanted to scream, but that would only be more noise.

But this wasn't like the cafeteria. There he could always just focus on how irrelevant he was. It was chaotic, but no one tried to bring him into it. Now everyone was screaming; and everyone was screaming about him; at him. Him and someone he didn't even know. Phil always tried to be as invisible as possible, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. His diaphragm just wouldn't work. His eyes were clamped shut and he couldn't tell if there were tears on his face or not. He really hoped there weren't, that would only give them more to scream about. His throat burned and his whole world felt black.

A hand touched Phil's shoulder and he flinched. A whimper escaped his lips and he felt blood rush to his cheeks. That only served to make him more lightheaded, and he found himself wheezing, everything still black, though it still wasn't enough oxygen. The hand squeezed gently and Phil forced his eyes open. To his surprise he was met with brown fringe and concerned brown eyes. Phil had no idea what he looked like, but he realised at some point he had started trembling.

"Breathe," he heard through the wall of noise. "You need to breathe."

Phil didn't have the capacity to fully comprehend what was happening, and he just focussed on that word. Breathe.

Breathe. Breathe. Air. Breathe. Loud. Breathe. Breathe. Loud. Air. Breathe. Ow. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Loud. Loud. Loud loud loud loud-

Phil started hyperventilating. The screams of his peers hadn't quieted in the slightest. Why had no one else in the building come to shut them up yet? They were so loud. Phil couldn't even discern if they were still yelling about him. It was taking him over.

"Hey," the closer voice caught Phil's remaining attention again. "Breathe. Calmly and slowly. You can do it. Follow me."

Phil tried to nod but found he was too stiff, instead just focussing on the upper torso of the boy in front of him. He tried to match the movements as it fell slowly up and down. Phil's breathing was still shallow, and his vision was still blurry at the edges, but he slowly felt himself regain some control.

Phil honestly didn't know how much time passed, but eventually he felt oxygen flowing again. When his breaths were even he took one last deep one and closed his eyes. He was too tired to even be embarrassed that Dan Howell saw him have a complete meltdown.

Dan Howell had seen him have a complete meltdown. The thought hit him like a truck. Dan Howell had /helped/ him when he had a total meltdown. Phil had just had a break down in school.

Even through the exhaustion Phil forced himself to look up and frantically around the classroom. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt the hand back on his shoulder.

"Hey," Dan said, his voice still gentle but firm. It was weird to hear him so soft, so open. It confused Phil, so he didn't think about it. "No one saw, okay. You're fine."

Phil looked over at the brown eyes that were still very concerned. The window behind him was creating a sort of halo effect, and Phil almost laughed. He couldn't help but blush though, all but forcing himself to not look down. He wanted to look down and hide away so badly. Instead he just nodded.

"Are you okay?"

The question hung in the air, and Phil nearly choked on it. It was tense. Dan's eyes were so honest, so concerned, so sincere. It was surreal. He didn't even hear the noise anymore.

Phil thought about it. Was he okay? He just had a fucking panic attack because class got too loud. He got beaten several times a week. He had no friends. Well, that's not true. He had Bear, but he was an asshole and wouldn't talk to Bear. He was too scared.

That sparked an interesting thought in Phil. Bear had had some pretty strong opinions on Dan Howell. Bear had said that he was awful, inconsiderate, a complete asshole. Phil had always believed that to be true himself, but lately him and Dan had developed a sort of...mutual understanding. They supplied each other presence and rescue from undesirable interactions. It was like the code of the recluses. But the fact stood, Dan had just helped him get over a panic attack. He helped him start breathing again, and made sure he was okay.

And Dan was still looking at him with those big doe eyes with the soft sunlit hair, and Phil was just so confused. He was so exhausted and wanted to hide. He wanted to talk to Bear, but he was still scared of letting all his walls down. The question still hung in the air, and he couldn't find it in himself to speak.

Before he could, a shrill and horrible sound broke through the little bubble he had managed to make.

"Hey, Dan! Looks like we're partners!" Cat squealed as she approached the table, perching herself on top of it and flipping her hair, forcing the two boys to separate more.

If Dan was a doe before, now he was in headlights. His soft expression instinctively hardened, and for the first time Phil saw that cold face as the shield he was almost sure it was. He had always looked at it as a weapon, but now he realised it was defence.

"Apparently," Dan spoke. His tone was short and in the past would have made Phil run away, but he heard the little choke at the start. It was subtle. Dan was good at hiding, it seemed. Phil didn't know why he was suddenly noticing this.

"So, we'll have to meet up soon. Are you free after school today?"

Dan glared. "No," he snapped.

Cat's bubbly exterior faltered, and she looked annoyed. "Really? What are you doing?"

Dan held the glare, and Phil couldn't tell what he was thinking. Once again the air was filled with that horrible sting of uneasy questions, and Phil reminded himself to take deep breaths before he choked.

But he ended up sputtering at what broke the silence. "Phil is coming over."

Cat gaped at Dan, and after a few seconds she caught herself and snapped her gaze over to Phil. She narrowed her eyes in his direction, daring him to confirm. He felt frozen, he couldn't move. His tongue was heavy and dry in his mouth. But then he looked at Dan, who wasn't glaring anymore. Instead there was that pleading again, that look that resonated so much with Phil.

So Phil found himself nodding and choked out a small, "Yeah."

Cat opened her mouth to speak again, and Phil was putting up all his walls, when the bell rang. It was music to Phil's ears.

With one last spiteful look Cat got up, flipped her hair, and walked back to her seat.

Phil let out the breath he was holding, and found himself collapsing back into his arms on the desk. He didn't even care if he was late to English, he would wait until there was no one left in the room to get up and leave.

But his plan was broken as once more the pressure on his shoulder returned.

"What?" Phil mumbled, not even sure Dan could hear.

"You don't actually have to, you know," Dan said in a gentle voice. It was too gentle, so gentle Phil wanted to scream. It was careful. "Thank you so much."

Phil only grunted in response, too mentally and physically exhausted to do anything else.

"See you at lunch, yeah?" Dan asked, surprising Phil. Since when did he care if Phil was there? Their's was an arrangement of convenience. He guess it made sense, seeing as everything that had just happened had...just happened.

Phil found it in him to hum quietly this time, mustering the last of his energy. It still was barely audible and muffled by his arm, but there was no one else left in the room.

Dan didn't say anything else, but he heard the zip of a bag, footsteps on linoleum, and a door opening and closing. It was finally quiet. The loud was gone. Yet Phil still couldn't find it in himself to lift his head.

He had never actually answered Dan's question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me smile, any and all kinds of feedback are welcome ^.^  
> Okay wow it's been a while. I'm really sorry everyone, school work had been beating the life out of me lately. With essays and chemistry questions and dance competitions and math problems I've been so busy. Sorry, I'm really trying.  
> Okay so can I just say I have no idea where this came from. The panic attack was not in my intentions for this chapter, I just let my brain do whatever it wants and this happens.  
> I've never had a panic attack, I've only read and seen things about them, I really hope I didn't manage to offend anyone.  
> Anyways, I don't know when the next anything will be.  
> Sorry, finals are only getting closer.  
> I suck, I know, sorry >.


	10. I'm Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANNOUNCEMENT: I am strongly considering changing the title of this fic from He Preferred the Isolation to The Code of the Recluses. When I first posted it here I gave it a random title only because you can't post on AO3 without a title, but now I've stumbled across something I prefer, so please tell me what you think about this!

Phil ended up staying hunched over in the empty room the entirety of his next class, completely missing English. When the bell rang once more he was tempted to just stay, but it was lunch and he promised Dan he'd be there. He wasn't quite sure why he cared, but he was too tired to really consider it. Phil was too tired to even be scared, and that was a first to be honest. He almost liked it. Almost.

So he went straight down to the window sill, not stopping at his locker to get his food. He couldn't handle the thought that he might be dragged to the cafeteria again, and he didn't think he could stomach anything if he tried.

So Phil went and sat, and found it actually comforting to be in the familiar environment again. Looking around at the empty room, he could almost pretend that the past few weeks hadn't happened. He could almost pretend Bear had never texted him in the first place, and Troye and Tyler hadn't stolen his seat and Cat hadn't flirted with Dan and he hadn't had a panic attack and it was unpleasant but it was normal and safe.

But did he really wish Bear hadn't texted him? Out of everything, Bear is the best thing that had ever happened to him. Sure, it scared him, but would Phil really give the whole thing up? No, he didn't think he would. Phil sighed. Somehow he had still managed to screw everything up because he was scared. Typical.

Phil felt tempted to just close his eyes, so he did. He just sat there peacefully and let his brain relax for a moment.

Then he heard footsteps down the stairs and squeezed his eyes shut tighter. /Maybe if I wish hard enough it'll all disappear./

Phil heard the footsteps slow as they turned the final corner down the stairs, but he still didn't open his eyes. He heard them walk towards the window, and felt the presence of a person next to him, but didn't acknowledge who he knew was Dan. If it was anyone else, they most definitely wouldn't quietly approach, or even be there in the first place.

Bracing himself for the inevitable confrontation about to occur, Phil just took a deep breath and waited for Dan to talk. After several moments in which nothing happened, he finally opened his eyes. He was curious as to why Dan hadn't spoken yet, and just wanted to get the awkward confrontation over with. However, when he opened his eyes he was surprised to find Dan unwrapping his sandwich, not even looking at Phil.

Phil was a bit confused, but didn't say anything. Instead he went to just staring out the window, trying his hardest to ignore the other boy.

Most of the lunch period passed in silence, Phil eventually letting himself accept that there wouldn't be a confrontation. When he finally forced himself to believe this (at least mostly) he sighed out in relief.

He thought the sigh was practically inaudible, but still couldn't stop from looking up self consciously anyways. Phil was shocked to discover that Dan was in fact looking at him, although not in a way that suggested he had just looked up as well. There was an intensity to his gaze that suggested he had already been looking. Phil immediately felt himself blush, but for the first time ever couldn't bring himself to look away.

So they stared, and Dan bit his lip when Phil didn't immediately look away. Phil couldn't help but find himself zeroing in on it, and he didn't know how to react to this whole situation. He ended up running his gaze along the different features of Dan's face, not quite sure where the sudden burst of confidence came from.

His hair looked like it should've been soft, but something about the style made it look harsher. It was too straight, like the edges were artificial. When Phil really looked at the face framed by the fringe, it looked kind of...vulnerable. He couldn't for the life of him make out the expression in the kind of beautiful brown eyes, but his whole face was softer than it was at first glance. His body looked so delicate as well. Sitting alone in the corner he had always looked intimidating, but here he just looked small, nearly being swallowed by his shirt.

Then the bell rang. It took Phil a moment to process what was happening, but by that point his body had already instinctually looked down from the other boy's gaze as he was snapped out of his trance. He felt a blush on his cheeks far darker than when he initially noticed Dan's stare, seemingly it had gotten worse when he wasn't paying attention.

When he looked back up, Dan was gone, and lunch had passed by without a word spoken.

* * * * *

The rest of the day was blissfully uneventful. The universe apparently decided to relent and let Phil be invisible again. He had never been happier to not be noticed.

So when the final bell rang, he let out a deep breath. As usual, he hung back until the room was emptied, sighing deeply when no one attempted to stay back as well. The last time that had happened Alfie almost punched his head in, and that was definitely something undesirable.

Phil walked out to the buses, relieved that this hellish day was over. He was still exhausted from his episode earlier, and all he wanted to do was sleep. Maybe after a nap he would text Bear. Maybe Bear would still want to be friends with him.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by a horrible and shrill noise, head snapping up to it. When he turned his head, Phil was greeted with a sight that made his nose scrunch up: Cat giggling stupidly at Dan. In the moment that he paused, Phil realised he was in earshot of the two, cringing at their conversation.

"Just fuck off already," Dan said, sounding bored.

"Oh come on Dan. We have to work on the project sooner or later. No time like the present," Cat responded, seemingly undeterred by his attitude.

"I told you, I have plans," he said curtly. Phil couldn't see their faces, but he should practically sense Cat's eyes narrowing into a glare.

"You said you had plans with Phil," she practically spat his name. "I don't see him anywhere, now, do I?"

Phil froze on the spot. He was about to run into the bus before he could be spotted by anyone. He was about to go home to his bed and disappear for the rest of the day, just how he wanted to more than anything. But something stopped him. Phil wasn't sure what it was, and it made his head hurt, but there was some tether pulling him away from comfort and making him walk forwards in the other direction. Phil soon found himself standing directly behind Cat and Da, bracing himself.

He cleared his throat quietly, and they both looked over at him so quickly Phil was surprised he didn't get whiplash. They both looked pretty shocked, Dan's mouth opened and Cat's caught fluctuating between opened and closed.

After more moments than were probably necessary, Cat started strutting away, shoving right by Phil rather harshly. In fact, he started to fall down, his arms flailing out to catch him from hitting the pavement. But then he felt himself yanked back up into a standing position, whimpering at the sudden change of trajectory. As per usual, blush immediately enveloped Phil's face at the embarrassing sound.

Though for some reason this time the blush didn't make him look down, instead meeting the gaze of the boy attached to the hand tightly gripping his arm. But soon enough he couldn't help but look down again, awkwardly coughing. "Let's just go," he muttered quietly, noticing Cat was still close by and he couldn't just fake it and run away again.

Phil felt the grip hastily loosen, letting his arm fall back to his side. It seemed for a moment as though Dan would speak again, but he seemed to also notice Cat. He began walking away, confusing Phil for a second. Then he remembered where Dan lived and realised it was definitely in walking difference from school. Phil quickly started following a few paces behind Dan, nearly stumbling on the sidewalk. Come to think of it, Dan was always on Phil's bus in the morning, but never really on the way home.

"You sure?" Dan said quietly to him as they got to the sidewalk turning away from school.

"Well the buses have already left anyways," Phil forced himself to whisper back, still not really comfortable with talking.

Thankfully Dan seemed to get this message, silently leading Phil to his house the rest of the way. When they finally approached the sky blue house, Phil couldn't help but feel a little happy and a lot nervous. He had creepily admired the house from his seat on the bus for a few years, and the though of actually going inside of it was intimidating. Nevertheless, he couldn't help but want to jump on the swingset in the backyard and block out the universe. Instead he calmly and quietly followed Dan inside, blush coating his face.

"Mum, I'm home!" Dan called into his house, startling Phil a bit. They stood waiting for a moment, but no answer came. Dan looked over to Phil and shrugged. "I guess she's still at work." He toed off his shoes casually, and Phil followed suit.

Dan walked back into another room in the house, which turned out to be the kitchen, and Phil followed, pulling out his phone. He texted his mum he was at someone's house doing homework, and then shoved his mobile back into his pocket.

Dan was eyeing him curiously, and Phil nearly rolled his eyes. He knew it was very unlikely seeming that he would have anyone to text. He cleared his throat. "Just telling my mum where I am," Phil muttered, noticing his face had significantly less blush on it than when he walked in the door. That was a good thing, at least.

Dan nodded. "So, you hungry?" he asked, opening the refrigerator.

"No, I'm fine," Phil said, not really thinking about it. He was tired more than anything else, and he didn't like the idea of being a bother.

Dan turned over his shoulder and looked at Phil sternly. "I don't believe you. You were exhausted earlier, and then you didn't eat lunch. You're hungry, and I'm feeding you," Dan said. His words sounded confident, startling Phil. Somewhere along the way he must have forgotten that Dan wasn't silent or embarrassed all the time. Just because they both has antisocial tendencies, they went about it very different ways. Phil's words were soft and weak, while Dan's were hard and strong. How could he have forgotten?

And either way, why did Dan care about whether he was hungry? Before Phil's mind could think harder about that, an apple was shoved in his hand. "Eat," Dan demanded.

Phil blushed and took a bite of the apple, looking down at the counter. Once he swallowed the food, he realised that he was actually starving, desperately willing his stomach not to make any embarrassing noises.

"Thank you," Phil said quietly, not quite sure where it came from.

"What?" Dan said, sounding confused. Phil wasn't sure if Dan didn't know what he meant or if he simply didn't hear him. So Phil did something he hadn't attempted in years: he tried to speak up.

"Thank you," Phil repeated. His voice was still soft, but for once he wasn't whispering. It felt bizarre. "For earlier, I mean. I never got to thank you for helping me."

Phil emphasised his statement by looking up, finding a very shocked looking Dan. When Dan realised Phil was looking, he got his expression under control. "No problem," he responded after a slight hesitation.

"I don't even know why that happened, it hasn't before. I mean, I've gotten really nervous and freaked out before, but never that much. How did you even know what to do? I would've been completely useless," Phil said all too quickly. He shut his mouth just as fast, embarrassed by how much he let himself ramble. He was also kind of scared again, as he had just shared things about himself with Dan Howell. Oh god, he fucked up.

"I'm sorry, that was too much info-" Phil started to say, back to being quiet.

"No, don't be sorry. Never be sorry," Dan said, the firmness in his tone surprising Phil. "I, uh... I just used to get attacks too. That's how I know how to deal with them," he said. "It's not a big deal," he added on in a mumble.

Phil didn't fully bring his bright red head up, but did manage to look upwards through his eyelashes at Dan. Dan, who was now the one looking away, scratching the back of his neck, and blushing. For some reason seeing the other boy blush only made Phil blush harder. Curse his stupid face.

"Well, thank you."

* * * * *

To: Bear, 9:57pm  
Hi

From: Bear, 9:57pm  
Thank god

To: Bear, 9:57pm  
I'm sorry, Bear

From: Bear, 9:57pm  
Don't be. God, I'm the one who should be sorry. And I am. I'm so sorry

To: Bear, 9:58pm  
No. You did nothing wrong. You said a normal thing that friends say and I freaked out. It was unwarranted

From: Bear, 9:58pm  
But I knew it would make you uncomfortable, and I said it anyways

To: Bear, 9:58pm  
Me being a mess shouldn't be your problem to worry about

From: Bear, 9:59pm  
But you're worth it

To: Bear, 10:01pm  
Agree to disagree

From: Bear, 10:01pm  
Kitty

To: Bear, 10:03pm  
Hey, can I ask you something extremely random?

From: Bear, 10:03pm  
Of course

To: Bear, 10:03pm  
Why do you hate Dan Howell so much? Did you used to be friends?

From: Bear, 10:05pm  
Something like that. Why do you ask?

To: Bear, 10:05pm  
No reason. Never mind, that was invasive. Forget I asked

From: Bear, 10:06pm  
Thank you. But it's okay, Kitty

To: Bear, 10:08pm  
Are we okay, Bear?

From: Bear, 10:08pm  
If you're okay

To: Bear, 10:09pm  
I'm okay. I'd like us to be

From: Bear, 10:09pm  
Me too ^.^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always always always appreciated, they always make me smile!  
> Whew. EXAMS ARE OVER. HALLELUJAH.  
> I haven't posted to this story. Forever, and I'm sorry. I'll try t get better at that now that summer's here. And: I PASSED ALL MY EXAMS. I AM SO HAPPY. And I did pretty well on them too, if I do say so myself.  
> Another thing: I'm going through and editing this fic, and hopefully Maths Notes too eventually. That just needed to be done.  
> On an unrelated note: if anyone wants to fangirl about Don't Hug Me I'm Scared in the comments please do, I'm still not over it.  
> Oh yeah and I just remembered, this fic hit 500 reads! Yay! It's my baby and I love it and I love all of you  
> That's enough rambling for now.  
> Please do tell me what you think about the fic and the title, love you all, I'll try to not suck as much at updating, bye bye! ^.^


	11. Nice

Phil quickly scanned around the science room as he walked in, sighing out when he saw no one of any relevance to his life. He quickly scurried across the back of the room to his seat, flopping down his bag next to him. With all the unwanted drama phil had inadvertently gotten himself caught up in over the past few days, Phil haft had much time to read his book. Seeing as nothing had really happened yet today, he pulled it out and let himself get lost in fiction for a little while.

Phil nearly jumped a mile when the teacher's voice rung throughout the classroom. "Good morning class. I'm quite sorry about the interruption yesterday, but today we can get back to business."

Phil blinked a few times to ward away that haze of getting too caught up in a book, surprised to see the classroom was now full of students. He nearly jumped again when he saw that Dan had sat next to him since he began reading, not having even noticed.

"So I'm sure you're all aware that this project is primarily out of class, but I will allow you one full day to work in class. That will be today, I do hope you make the most of it," she said, flashing us a tired smile. Phil felt bad for her; she knew from experience most kids would not make the most of the day. When nobody moved, she sighed quickly before smiling again. "Okay, get with your partners now class."

The class immediately erupted in a cloud of sound, but it didn't bother Phil like it did yesterday (thank god). No one was yelling really, much less yelling at/about him with the teacher right there. Phil sighed too when he realised he had to spend the next period socialising. His nose scrunched up in distaste. Phil made quick work of scanning the room to find Troye was sitting at his table in the corner, Tyler had moved somewhere else to work with his partner, and Cat was walking towards his and Dan's table. Phil looked over at him, and tried to flash him an empathetic smile, not quite sure how well it worked. Dan's expression shifted slightly to...a smile? It was just a small one, but Phil could've sworn Dan Howell had just smiled at him. Dan Howell hadn't smiled at him ever, or anyone really in the past several years. 

Phil was slightly taken aback. By some strange whim that made his mouth work before his brain caught up, he felt himself quietly saying, "Well, see you later then," to Dan. Dan's expression changed again, and he looked almost worried. Just for a moment though, as Cat arrived at the table and Phil quickly scurried away. It must've been his imagination, surely.

Phil was across the room before he could even take a breath, and all of the sudden he was faced with what was about to happen. He stood awkwardly by the table, not looking up, waiting for Troye to speak first. Phil was generally uncomfortable with human interaction and this fact was only intensified by the fact that he knew next to nothing about who he was about to interact with. Troye didn't seem like the worst person, but Phil didn't exactly have a lot to base that assumption on. So instead he presumed the worst, preparing himself for a period of harsh words and taunts.

So needless to say it was shocking to hear a gentle voice when he did speak. "Don't you want to sit down?" Troye said, sounding mildly concerned. Phil was so stunned that he found himself instinctively looking up to meet the bright blue eyes under his furrowed brows. This only startled Phil even more; since when did his instincts cause him to look up? As soon as his brain kicked back in (after far more seconds than it should have, Phil thought, blushing profusely) he looked down and scrambled into a seat, nodding lightly.

"Hey, are you alright?" Troye asked, his voice so sweet it made Phil kind of want to puke. Knowing that question always stressed him out if he let himself actually think about it, Phil just nodded down at the desk again.

Phil heard a sigh, causing him to force his head back up. Troye did actually seem nice, making Phil feel rude. "Look, I know I don't have the best reputation around here, and everyone was yelling about it yesterday and stuff, but I don't bite. Promise," he said, sending Phil a small smile. Phil's jaw literally dropped for a moment. He quickly closed it again and blushed more.

"No," Phil just managed to squeak out. "It's nothing about that, I'm just not the best at talking to people," he said, proud of himself that he managed to say that much, even if his voice barely broke a whisper. Blush was still burned onto his cheeks.

Troye luckily seemed to hear him, and his smile washed away to a look of understanding. "Oh, alright. Well, again, I don't bite. Would you prefer to just work on the project?" he asked, sounding sincere. Phil nodded, utterly baffled. Why was Troye being nice to him? People weren't nice to him. He was Phil Lester, that awkward kid who was an easy target and blushed too much. He couldn't help but be suspicious, even if he really didn't want to be. Troye seemed genuinely nice.

Troye easily took over the conversation from that point on, mostly letting Phil remain quiet. However, he did ask Phil for his opinions or ideas more than anyone else had in the past, causing Phil to blush each time. Troye didn't mention it, and simply praised or expanded on nearly every suggestion Phil made. As the period went on, Phil got slightly more comfortable with sharing what he thought would work best, seeing as Troye seemed to think his ideas were good ones. That boy was full of surprises, apparently. 

For the first time ever, Phil felt like he actually worked together with someone on a project. In the past his partners had never actually attempted to engage him in conversation, resolutely ignoring his existence while one of them worked on the entirety of the project. Phil had always been relieved when no one tried to initiate conversation with him, but he couldn't deny working with Troye felt kind of nice. The thought scared him, so he didn't let himself think about it, instead immersing himself wholly into the work.

He didn't even notice the period was coming to a close until a new voice pierced through the wall of background noise. "Hey Troye. Hello other person. Who're you again?"

Phil didn't really look up, startled out of the concentration he had managed to fall into, but he recognised the voice as Tyler's. He had only heard him speak a handful of times, but Tyler had a memorable voice. It was loud and sassy and confident and Phil couldn't help but be mildly jealous, seeing as his voice was squeaky and underused and usually no more than a mumble.

As what Tyler had actually said processed in Phil's head, he took a breath. "I'm Phil," he managed to whisper out. Any confidence he may have gained while discussing the class work immediately vanished.

"What'd you say?" Tyler asked, clearly not having heard me. Phil sighed and prepared to speak again, but was cut off by Troye.

"He said his name's Phil," he repeated for Phil, making him breathe out in relief at not having to talk. He offered a small nod to indicate what Troye said was correct.

"Well hello then Phil. Whatcha lookin at?" he asked, causing Phil's entire face to turn three shades of read darker than it had previously been. Nevertheless, he gathered my willpower and looked up at the blond before Phil, seeing Tyler's eyes looking him up and down. He shifted slightly in my seat and averted his gaze again.

"Nothing," Phil said, forcing himself above a whisper this time, but not by much.

"He's just shy Tyler, cut him some slack," Troye said, and Phil felt so relieved. Troye was nice and continued to be nice even when other people were around and it felt nice and Phil didn't know what to do with all the nice.

"Aww, he's blushing, how precious," Tyler said. At his words, Phil's cheeks only darkened, causing Tyler to cackle, the noise sounding far more natural than it probably should have.

"Tyler!" Troye reprimanded.

"Alright, alright," Tyler complied. At that moment the bell rang, and Phil quickly popped my head up a bit. "Well it was nice meeting you Phil," he said with a huge smile, making him once again question if this was even real.

"You too," he managed to mutter before quickly scurrying off again to collect his bag.

* * * * *

To: Bear, 9:37pm  
I'm bored. Entertain me

From: Bear, 9:37pm  
What makes you think I want to entertain you?

To: Bear, 9:37pm  
Well the fact that you answered back immediately for one

From: Bear, 9:38pm  
What, I couldn't be busy and just happened to have glanced at my phone in that moment?

To: Bear, 9:38pm  
Oh...sorry...

From: Bear, 9:38pm  
No, Kitty, you know that's not what I meant, I was kidding. Of course I'll talk to you

To: Bear, 9:38pm  
Ha, I win

From: Bear, 9:39pm  
You cheeky little shit

To: Bear, 9:39pm  
^.^  
No but seriously I'm bored. I tried falling asleep but couldn't

From: Bear, 9:39pm  
You went to sleep? It's not even 10pm! Who are you and what have you done with Kitty?

To: Bear, 9:40pm  
An evil soul that decided to give him a huge math test tomorrow, that's who

From: Bear, 9:40pm  
Ah. But still, I can't relate to you anymore. Being all functioning in society

To: Bear, 9:41pm  
I don't think it was ever a thing that I was relatable. I'm waaaay too pathetic for that

From: Bear, 9:41pm  
No, you were always relatable. And you're not pathetic Kitty

To: Bear, 9:42pm  
Okay we both know that's a lie. I've accepted it, why can't you?

From: Bear, 9:42pm  
Because I've yet to be shown its true

To: Bear, 9:42pm  
Do you not even remember when you first talked to me

From: Bear, 9:43pm  
Okay I'll admit you were awkward, but since we got to know each other a bit you've been fine

To: Bear, 9:43pm  
...really?

From: Bear, 9:43pm  
Of course

To: Bear, 9:44pm  
Wow. That's a first. Though to be fair that is literally all your doing. The awkward I was when we started talking is who I am all the time, except you apparently. You're easier to talk to.

From: Bear, 9:44pm  
Really? Well I didn't do anything. That's all you Kitty. I just helped a small bit

To: Bear, 9:45pm  
Well either way, thank you

From: Bear, 9:45pm  
Ugh why are we such sappy dorks

To: Bear, 9:47pm  
...whoops...

From: Bear, 9:47pm  
No Kitty it's fine, really. If I didn't want to be a sentimental dork I wouldn't let the conversation get that far. Don't worry, you're fine

To: Bear, 9:48pm  
Okay  
Well, I'm tired again. Thanks for entertaining me

From: Bear, 9:48pm  
Glad to be of service. Good night Kitty, good luck on your test

To: Bear, 9:49pm  
Thanks. G'night

To: Bear, 10:15pm  
Love you Bear

From: Bear, 10:15pm  
Love you too Kitty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are the reason I exist I love them so much please give me feedback!  
> Okay I know I haven't posted in a while, especially to this fic, and I'm sorry. I know I promised a better updating schedule for the summer, but apparently time still blurs without school. I've been trying to write this chapter for like a week and just haven't been able to I'm sorry I just haven't been even remotely creative.  
> Luckily there are only a few more chapters I have planned for this. There will probably be 15 or so overall (though don't hold me to that really I've no clue). I mean I absolutely love this fic to bits, but I've been working on it for far too long. Same with Maths Notes to be honest. I love what I'm doing but I kind of want a chance to properly work on something else, you know? Oh well, I love you all and love my fics so it's okay and hopefully I'll get my shiz together and finish them soon enough.  
> No promises cuz I'll just break them.  
> Hope you enjoyed, please tell me what you think ^.^


	12. No One Cares

Phil had never liked English class. Nearly the whole course was graded on speaking and participation: two things that made Phil want to throw up. Writing essays and reading old books weren't exactly Phil's favourite activities, but he would be fine if that was the class. That would be tolerable. But alas, the universe was not so kind, and made him actually talk. He never understood why he couldn't just write his opinions down instead of speaking them.

Phil's absolute least favourite activity, however was what the teacher was condemning him to right now. 

"All right, everyone get together with a partner or small group and discuss your answers to the homework. You have ten minutes," the teacher said, and Phil couldn't help but hate her in that moment. He couldn't help but glare as his classmates all smiled at the opportunity to talk with their friends.

Phil closed his eyes and took a deep breath. After a few moments, right on cue, Phil heard someone approach him.

"Hey mate." Phil sighed and opened his eyes to meet Chris, the only one desperate enough to talk to Phil. Phil couldn't help but internally sigh that technically even Chris had more people to count on than Phil did. At least he had Pj. Phil had no friends, only a few acquaintances. Even Bear wasn't in person.

"Hi," Phil said quietly, looking down at his worksheet.

"So, how's life been treating you Phil, my old buddy? Haven't spoken in ages," he said in that booming voice of his. Chris had a rough voice; it was loud and drew your attention. And somehow, despite nearly everyone hating him, Chris still managed to sound confident. Phil couldn't help but be jealous.

"Fine," Phil replied, cursing his own pathetic voice that was scratchy whenever it rose above a whisper.

"Hey, my face is up here you know? It's pretty gorgeous, I don't know how you resist looking at it," Chris said, and Phil could practically hear the smirk in his face. He softly sighed and looked up, still not quite meeting Chris' gaze.

"Sorry," he said quietly.

"Nah it's cool, just would hate for you to miss out," Chris said with a barking laugh.

"Yeah," Phil said with an awkward cough that was meant to be a laugh. Blush flooded his cheeks in the all too familiar fashion. "So, uh, the homework," Phil squeaked out, hoping to end the small talk section of this interaction.

"Hey actually, Phil, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about," Chris said, making Phil strongly desire to disappear. He looked back up at Chris a bit, and was worried to see Chris looking uncharacteristically serious.

"Hm?" Phil said as loud as he could manage (which wasn't very loud).

"It's just...you've always been a loner Phil. Pretty smart if you ask me, what with the hellhole this school is," Chris began, making Phil swallow down bile. He could barely handle talking in general, but talking about him was just about his least favourite thing. It almost always ended in him being insulted and hating himself even more than he already did. "But lately I've overheard you've been hanging out with Howell. Have you?"

Phil could feel himself paling as more words left Chris' mouth. What was he talking about? How was he meant to respond? "Um, I mean, I don't know if I would say hanging out..." he forced out in an uneven voice.

Chris sighed and clapped Phil on the shoulder, causing him to squeak and jump, meeting Chris' gaze with wide eyes. "Sorry," Chris said. "Just...you're nice, Phil. And it's pretty clear you don't handle being social well. You don't deserve to be hurt." When the only response Phil offered was staring blankly up at him, Chris continued. "Be careful mate. Howell isn't to be trusted."

Phil shook his head a bit, trying to snap himself into functioning properly. It wasn't really working, but he still couldn't help but be intrigued nonetheless. "What do you mean?"

Chris just looked at Phil for a little while, and after a few seconds Phil felt his cheeks overtaken by blush and his eyes drawn back down to his lap.

"Well, it's just...all those years back, before he secluded himself and before me and Peej were cast out, the three of us were friends -good friends actually. Super close, best friends forever, inseparable, all that bullshit. We told each other everything and...goddammit we trusted him. So naturally when we became a couple we told him, but he reacted kinda weirdly. At first we though he was just giving us some space, sort of making himself a third wheel. Then we told some other people and the rest of the school found out. When everyone stopped talking to us he did too. He stopped talking to everyone. Now I don't know why he did that, but I haven't really talked to him since that," Chris said.

Phil just blinked down at his lap, overwhelmed by information. So was Dan actually an asshole? That didn't make sense. He stood up for Phil that one time Caspar called him a fag and was going to beat him up. He seemed to care for Phil when he had a panic attack. He tried not to make Phil uncomfortable. He seemed nice.

Chris was just an acquaintance, they were never friends. They barely even talked. But wait, wasn't Dan just an acquaintance too? Yeah, of course. Then why was he defending Dan over Chris, if they were both just acquaintances? Phil's head was spinning. Him and Dan weren't friends. Phil didn't have friends.

Then again, what made a friend a friend? He had gone over Dan's house when it wasn't mandatory. They had both helped and defended each other. They had a sort of mutual understanding. They understood each other's feelings, to an extent. They are lunch together every day.

Phil was practically shaking trying to hold back hyperventilation. He refused to break down in front of Chris. But he and Dan weren't friends. Phil didn't have friends. Friends were people he could trust, people who he felt comfortable around. Like Bear. Bear was his friend. That was it. No one else had gotten past his walls. No one else had made him vulnerable. 

So why shouldn't he believe Chris? And why was it so upsetting that he might? But then again why would Chris lie? There wouldn't be any gain from that. Phil's head was spinning so fast he couldn't keep up.

"Hey, sorry," Chris said with his usual smirk back. "That was pretty dramatic. Didn't mean to sound so intense." Phil looked up at him and nodded a bit, taking deep breaths and forcing himself to calm down. If on the inside he was following apart, he was determined to hold himself together on the outside.

"Yeah," Phil squeaked out, annoyed he couldn't make his voice louder or more confident. "Let's just, uh...lets just go over the work..." He managed to stutter out.

"Yeah, sure. Just be careful Phil. You're nice, unlike so many people here," Chris said, and Phil closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"So number one?" he said, surprised at how even his whisper was.

"Yeah, course. So for that one I said..." Chris started, but Phil didn't really absorb any more than that. He also didn't speak again before the teacher called everyone to go back to their seats. Or after.

* * * * *

Phil sat anxiously on the windowsill, closing his eyes and trying to will everything to stop existing. In his worried haze, he forgot to get his lunch from his locker. So he sat there with no distractions waiting for the inevitable.

When the cloud of voiced eventually did die out and the only sound left was that of footsteps, Phil was practically clenching his eyes shut. They approached the sill and Phil heard Dan sit down.

There were some sounds of a bag and zippers and some other rustling, but Phil could hardly be bothered to identify it. There was silence for time Phil couldn't have counted if he wanted to; it was one of those timeless silences that could be seconds or hours or however painfully long it felt.

"Hey," Dan's voice broke the silence. Phil cringed harder, blushing at how stupid he must look. "You alright, Lester?"

"Yeah," Phil muttered so quietly he'd honestly be surprised if Dan heard him, still keeping his eyes closed.

"Really? You sure don't look fine. And you're skipping lunch again," he said so casually Phil wanted to scream. He couldn't scream though, everything he wanted to say burning in his throat like always.

"I forgot it," Phil said in the same strained voice. This time he did force his eyes open, but instead just stared intensely at his lap.

"You know somehow I don't believe you," Dan said simply. The fact that he didn't seem to be experiencing any grief over interacting was driving Phil mad. So mad that for a moment he forgot himself and blurted something out venomously and above a whisper.

"Why do you care?" Phil asked, looking up instinctually. Dan seemed taken aback at Phil being so forward, and his reaction made Phil realise he himself was too. He heard the statement play back in the silence, his voice still shaky and squeaky yet audible and purposeful. Phil blinked a few times before looking back down at his lap with wide eyes, in awe of himself.

The silence stretched on for longer, the only sound being Phil's heart pounding in his ears.

"I don't," Dan snapped. Phil bit his lip. Of course Dan wouldn't care; why would he? But then again, something made Phil think he may be lying. The hesitation was too long, his voice was uncharacteristically gentle, and was that a gulp Phil heard before he started talking? Or was he just making excuses? Did he want Dan to be lying? It's not like he expected him to care. No one cared.

"Oh," Phil squeaked out, cursing himself when he felt tears gathering in his eyes. Why was he so weak? He heard Dan sigh.

"Lester-" he started, almost sounding...sympathetic?

"Then why are you here?" Phil cut him off. His voice was back into a whisper, but it was much more even this time around. Maybe Phil was just meant to be quiet. He took Dan's immediate silence as his opportunity to gather what little confidence he had. Phil lifted his head up and met Dan's stare. When Dan's eyes widened, Phil only narrowed his. He felt hurt, and he had no idea why. He and Dan weren't friends in the first place, why did it bother him when Dan said he didn't care?

"I, I d-don't have anywhere else to go," Dan said shakily, biting his lip. Phil was startled, to say the least. He had never heard Dan shaky or seen him nervous at all, let alone because of him. Was he...intimidating? Phil quickly dismissed that thought. It wasn't possible. That was the blurriness of too many thoughts talking. Damn Phil's head hurt.

Before he knew what he was doing, Phil grabbed his backpack and stood up. He rushed over to the stairs and climbed them without once looking back. He simply couldn't handle being in that room any longer. It was always his safe space, and it had been infiltrated. Somehow someone else being there made him feel even more isolated than before, and for the first time that was making him feel horrible.

So Phil's feet were moving on autopilot without any consent from his brain about the destination. It wasn't until he arrived at the looming double doors of the cafeteria did he actually look up and realise where he was. The din from inside was leaking out into the hallway, and for some reason in that moment it was comforting to Phil. It matched how his brain sounded; it helped him drown out his thoughts. What he needed right now was to be a background character, and having a one on one confrontation was making him feel like he was in centre stage. The spotlight was blinding him and giving him a headache.

With a deep breath, Phil pushed open the door in front of him and started walking forwards before he could stop himself. Looking only at his feet instead of the obscene amount of people around him, Phil could almost pretend this wasn't reality. He didn't exist.

But it was reality, and the room honestly only served to make his thoughts more muddled. It was relieving to not have to focus, but also overwhelming. In the cafeteria Phil could ignore his feelings, but the headache didn't quite go away. He could live with that.

Before he knew it Phil was walking up to the table of people who tolerated him, if nothing else. He looked up briefly as he approached the last empty chair, and saw as everyone's head turned towards him. It was in that moment Phil realised he was bright red in the face, from embarrassment and anger and just generally being upset. He quickly looked down.

"Hey Phil," Jack said. There was probably something confused or expressive about his tone, but Phil honestly couldn't bring himself to process or decipher it.

"Yeah, hi!" Carrie said, sounding sweet. But Phil new it wasn't because she cared, it was because she was just a nice person. No one cared though.

"You gunna sit down, or...?" Dean said after a pause. Phil hadn't even noticed he hadn't replied. He coughed.

"Yeah, sorry, hi," he quickly stuttered out. Phil sat down quickly in his chair, continuing to look at his lap. Everyone was quiet for a few moments, and Phil once again was faced with the frustrating dilemma of wanting to scream.

"Haven't you got any lunch mate?" Dean eventually broke the silence. Phil just shrugged.

"Or did you eat it in your mystery location before you joined us?" Carrie asked. Again, Phil just shrugged. Blush was burning his cheeks, but he couldn't make himself say anything. He didn't know why. He didn't have an answer.

"So," Jack said. It seemed they were all trying to communicate with Phil, and honestly he wanted them all to just stop. "I've heard whispers recently you aren't alone in your little hidey hole." 

At this, Phil's head snapped up and looked around the group. They all were exchanging glances, looking like they knew something he didn't. They looked like they were all in on something, but Phil wasn't quite sure what they were trying to do. He ended up just blinking at them stupidly.

"Yeah," Dean continued for him. "We've heard rumours that you've been hanging out with Howell." The words made Phil blanch. He squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could, looking back down at his lap.

He couldn't take it anymore. All of Phil's morals were being shaken. People seemed to be breaking his walls without him realising it. Noise seemed comforting. Isolation was scary. He was hurt, and he didn't know what to do with himself.

But now not even the backwards logic of noise being comforting seemed real. Nothing was comforting. Whether he was isolated or with others, Phil was still alone. That's what he was realising. His happy place had been destroyed, and now everywhere and everyone made him want to scream. But he still couldn't muster any noise. No one cared, everyone hurt. That's all people did; they hurt him. But Phil had always been so good at not letting them get to him. When had he let his walls down?

The three people at the lunch table may have said more, but Phil didn't catch it. Once again his thoughts were too loud, and he stood up and practically ran back across the cafeteria. Once he was out the door again, he looked back to see no one had attempted to follow him or check if he was okay. They all claimed to be his friends. But they didn't care. No one cared.

That wasn't true though. Bear cared. Phil nearly started crying when he remembered his friend. Phil hadn't met Bear, yet Bear still cared more than anyone else. Bear was always concerned by how comfortable Phil was; he always put Phil first.

So Phil quickly scampered over to the nearest bathroom and practically threw himself into the last stall. He locked the door and sat up against the wall. Phil had never stooped to the level of taking refuge ins toilet before, but he was out of options. He just needed a locked door. He quickly pulled his phone out and typed out a message with shaky fingers, vision blurred with the promise of tears.

To: Bear, 11:42am  
Heyy can you tslk?

From: Bear, 11:43am  
Course. Nice typing btw

Phil viciously wiped the water from his eyes. He was pathetic enough crying alone locked in a public toilet, he didn't need the added humiliation of typos.

To: Bear, 11:43am  
Thanks a lot

From: Bear, 11:43am  
Sorry

To: Bear, 11:44am  
It's fine. Just...never mind

From: Bear, 11:44am  
Kitty, what's wrong?

To: Bear, 11:45am  
...everything

From: Bear, 11:45am  
Fuck, what happened?

To: Bear, 11:47am  
It's just no one cares about me. At all. And that used to not bother me but now I just feel alone and I don't know what to do

From: Bear, 11:47am  
Everyone is cared about by someone

To: Bear, 11:48am  
Not me. I'm irrelevant to everyone. I could literally disappear and I bet no one would even notice

From: Bear, 11:48am  
I care, Kitty. I would notice

To: Bear, 11:49am  
You say that, but you don't even know who I am. If you did I'm sure you wouldn't be jumping at the chance to talk to me

From: Bear, 11:50am  
Shit, Kitty, how many times must I go over this? I do care. I may not know your name, but I have my own for you. I may not see your face, but I know you. I know who you are and what you're like and how you think and that you're a great person. All that would change if I knew who you were would be me putting a face to the personality. Fuck, you have no idea how much you mean to me Kitty. You're honestly my best friend, I love you Kitty. I care about you so much.

To: Bear, 11:51am  
...yeah, I guess you do, don't you

From: Bear, 11:51am  
Of course I do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and tell me what you think, this chapter took forever and any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!  
> IM BACK FROM THE DEAD  
> I mean I guess I wasn't that dead, I've still been updating Maths Notes a bunch. But wow was this fic left in the dust.  
> I'm so sorry, anyone who actually likes/reads this.  
> Basically I had terrible terrible writer's block with this, and then when I got over it I ended up creating a monster that couldn't be finished inmediately after.  
> But it's done, so huzzah!  
> I really hope you enjoy.  
> Thanks for reading and tell me what you think :)


	13. Wtf I'm so sorry my dudes

Alright, I really doubt anyone's still here. Sorry I just like totally stopped posting. I swear it's not abandoned. I guess hiatus? I'm now officially announcing its hiatus though, until when I finish Maths Notes and Flower Doodles... Yeah. So if anyone's still here, thank you a ton, ilysm you beautiful person. Hopefully see you eventually.


End file.
